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Sex After 50: 7 Tips for BetterĀ  Sex After 50 - Protect Your Relationship

5/29/2020

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Most sexual problems after the age of 50 are the direct result in a breakdown in communication:

Years of raising children and losing contact with each other on a personal level. Raising children can be stressful at times. Busy schedules created by children's activities can cause stress. Discipline issues create problems when parents can't agree on the discipline choice. These can cause communication issues between parents if they are not dealt with properly. Both parents need to be considerate of each other and work as a team. After the children are raised, you may find that you have lost communication with your partner and have nothing to talk about. Fix this! Fix this fast. If you can prevent it from happening to begin with - that is the best solution.

Undiscussed health issues, one partner or the other doesn't feel well or has heart issues, high blood pressure, etc., and they haven't talked about it with the other partner. If either one of you don't feel well or you have lost your desire for sex, don't ignore it. Discuss it with your partner and if needed, discuss with a healthcare professional. Most issues can be resolved easily. There is no need to suffer when there is help available.

Open wounds to the relationship caused by one or both partners. This could be something as small as an unresolved argument or as serious as an affair. It can include insulting, picking at a flaw, looking at other people, flirting with other people, or a general lack of respect in actions or words towards the other partner. Men and women alike, need to feel loved, accepted, appreciated, and valued by the one they love. If you or your partner is giving your attention to a third party, even if it's just a passerby, it can damage your relationship. Your attention should be on your partner, not another person, not ever - even when you are alone. If your focus is on your partner, you will find that you both will be happier with each other.

Lack of time for sex and related activities: Plan special dates - Lunch dates, dinner dates,
movie dates, shopping dates, going for specialty coffee, a walk in the park to talk, staying awake and talking in bed right before drifting off to sleep, or anything that allows for intimate conversation. You must make time for sex, but you must also make time to talk to your partner if you want the sex to be good.

Start foreplay long before your intimate time. Flirt with your partner throughout the day, give
compliments (truthful compliments), just keep in touch throughout the day letting your partner know you are thinking of them. Anything you can do that let's your partner feel valued, loved, desired, and wanted will count as foreplay.

Sex takes place in the brain first then the body responds. If there is anything that is an issue between you and your partner whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, it will stand in your way of a loving relationship with lovely intimate moments including great sex.

The key is COMMUNICATION! 

Talk, talk, talk, but be positive, be loving, be respectful, be helpful, be understanding, don't be selfish or self serving. Always think of your partner first and you will not regret it.

In past blogs under the "Sex After 50"category, I have dealt with various issues related to some of the items listed above. I suggest you go back and read those blogs, as well, if you are feeling unfulfilled sexually in your marriage or relationship.

I hope this helps anyone who is struggling with sex after the age of 50. If we don't address the issues that prevent good sexual health, they will get worse and you will miss out on all the health benefits that sex provides.

(NOTE: I am not a therapist, doctor, or an expert on sex, relationships, etc. I do research and I learn from discussions from others, and my own experiences.) 

What do you think is the biggest determent to good sex for adults over the age of 50? Do you have any issues that were not discussed in this blog? Do you have any ideas or suggestions that were not discussed in this blog or in my past Sex After 50 blogs? Please open a conversation so that we can learn from each other.

XOXO

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Sex After 50: It Takes 2 to Tango! What if your partner is not interested in intimacy anymore? What then?

3/22/2019

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 “It takes two to tango
no matter what happens in a relationship
good or bad
you have to acknowledge
your part
in it's success for failure”


Stacye Branche
Actress (Age 55)


The comes a time in every relationship where we find that it has changed. It happens gradually and most of the time we don't even notice the changes. Then one day we wake up to our lives and realize we have lost touch with each other.


Sometimes it's because the children have left home and it's just the two of you now. Sometimes it's a health issue for one of you and it alters your activities. Often it is just that one or both of you start taking the other one for granted and you lose the intimacy that you once had.


What happens when one of you still wants intimacy and the other person doesn't show an interest? What happens when you still want to have sex and your partner doesn't seem interested? What happens if you just want to hold hands and kiss goodnight and your partner doesn't do those things anymore?


There are several ways this can go. Some are desirable, some are not.


Here are a few examples of possible outcomes:
  1. Neither one of you brings the subject up and it never changes. You live the remainder of your life in a platonic relationship.
  2. You bring it up to your partner that you want more hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc., and your partner listens, but nothing changes.
  3. You bring it up to your partner that you want more hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc., and your partner listens, and tries to make it happen.
  4. You want to talk to your partner about the lack of affection, but you don't know how to start because your partner seems perfectly happy with the way things are.
  5. You seek the attention of another person to fill the void, thinking that you are not hurting anyone if they don't know.
  6. You suggest professional therapy, a complete physical, and/or pastoral counseling and you partner agrees to go.
  7. You suggest professional therapy, a complete physical, and/or pastoral counseling and your partner refuses to go.
There are many other ways this can go, but these are where the majority end up. Some of the above are desirable, but some are not at all good.

It is never a good idea to bring another person into the relationship to fill any void. This is between you and your partner, a third person other than a counselor, therapist or doctor is not a good idea...ever. It is also a sin according the Bible. Giving your affection or having intimate conversations with someone other than your spouse is a betrayal. You should take your conversations to your spouse and only bring in a professional counselor or therapist or clergy when needed.

Many marriages have ended because one of the people in the relationship turned to another person for physical love. They don't want to leave their partner because they still love them, but they yearn for intimacy. In this case, a third person is like a lit stick of dynamite, it will burn hot for a while then it will blow itself and everything around it...destroying everything.

It's easy to become complacent in our intimate interactions with our spouse or loved one. Life gets busy with children, grandchildren, jobs, hobbies, housework, etc. We have been with our spouse or loved one sometimes for many years and have grown accustom to them just being there.

We tend to take one another for granted and often, we no longer share those precious intimate moments we yearned for when we were young.

The good news is that it can be found again and you can once again enjoy the touch of your beloved, a shared kiss on the lips, or more. But you both have to want it and be willing to work towards it.

If you have been distant from one another for very long, it will be harder to put it back together – but it can and should be done. Shared, intimate love can help you be healthier, happier and live longer.

What can you do to start the recovery and learn to “tango”?

Here are a few ideas, but you can come up with your own if you put your heart into it:

  1. You can reach for your spouses hand when you are walking together.
  2. You can sit closer to your spouse on the sofa when the news is on. Leaning on your spouse or just touching their arm in a loving way.
  3. If your spouse is the type who is receptive to discussions, sit down and tell them how you feel right from the start. Let them know that you miss their goodnight kisses or hand holding. Be sure they understand that sex is not the important thing, it is the intimacy...the sharing of moments and physical hugs, kisses, etc. If you make sex the issue, it will put your spouse in a position of stress if they are unable to provide that for you.
  4. Decide what will make you happy and ask your spouse what will make them happy in your relationship.
  5. Find times to do special things for your spouse or partner.
  • Writing little notes and putting them in places they will see them (like taped to the bathroom mirror, taped to their rear view mirror of their car, tucked away in their sock drawer, next to the coffee pot, etc.)
  • Cut out little hearts from red or pink paper and sign them “Love from Your Wife” or “Loving you, (your name)” or “Missing you already, (your name). Leave them in various places where your spouse or partner will find them.
  • Ask your spouse or partner for a “date night”. Start with a nice dinner and a movie or bowling, etc. After the first “date night”, suggest that it be a monthly event or even a weekly event. Take turns choosing what the date will be.
  • Start telling them you love them every chance you get. Sometimes they will respond with “I love you, too” and that can be a start.
  • Just start showing more affection to your spouse or partner, whether they reciprocate or not. Just stick with it and over time, they will begin to warm up and return your affection. If they don't after a good while (give them plenty of time) then seek professional intervention.

The important thing about learning to “tango” again, is to open up communication. Do all you can do to get your spouse to communicate with you either in words or in physical contact.

Communication comes in many forms: spoken words, written words, physical touch, a certain look, an action, etc. Start by opening up communication lines, that is usually the core of the problem when one forgets how to “tango” with their partner.

Are you in a relationship that has lost it's spark? Has your spouse or partner forgotten how to “tango” with you? Maybe you and your spouse or partner are still dancing, put you are doing different dances – you are doing the “two step” and your spouse is doing the “cha-cha”, what are you doing to “tango” together? Do you have any personal experience bringing the spark back to your relationship that may help someone else?

XOXO
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Sex After 50: 9 + Tips for Better Sex After the Age of 50

3/8/2019

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1. Regular exercise is great for sex at any age, but especially over the age of 50.

It strengthens your muscles. A hurting or stiff muscle in your back or calf or nect can stop your desire in it's tracks. You need to find the best strength-training exercises for you.

It improves your mood. Being depressed and having sex don't go together. Exercise releases certain chemicals in your brain that improve your mood, your body, and feel more at ease.

You will look better. Regular exercise helps your body to improve and look better. It can bppst your self confidence which will improve your sexual health.

For women, regular physical activity might help with arousal.
Women may also benefit from Kegel exercises. They can make your pelvic floor muscles stronger.

You can identify those muscles the next time you pee by stopping in midstream. You can practice tightening and relaxing those muscles several times a day.

Men who exercise are less likely to have problems with erectile dysfunction, or ED, than men who are inactive.


Be sure to talk to your doctor before you begin any new exercise program.

2. Don't let it become boring, spice things up.

When you’ve been with the same partner for a long time, you may want to come up with ideas to add a little variety to your sex life.

The answer might be something as simple as changing the time of day you have sex. If you’re too sleepy at night, maybe sex in the morning is right for both of you.

Some other ideas to keep things interesting:
  • Try different sexual positions
  • Set the stage and create a romantic atmosphere; a little planning can go a long way
  • Take it out of the bedroom and find a new place to make love
  • Shower or take a bath with your lover
  • Indulge in professional massages that will leave you both relaxed
3. Think beyond intercourse
If intercourse is not possible for you and your partner for whatever reason, think about other ways to share your affection and be intimate with one another.
The simple but intimate acts of kissing and touching should not be overlooked.

4. Sex starts when you wake up in the morning and stops when you fall asleep at night.
  • Telling your partner you love and appreciate them
  • Helping each other with chores so that no one is worn out from keeping up
  • Spend time with each other doing fun things (dancing, watching movies together, cooking together, taking walks together, etc.)
  • Dress attractively. This can still be comfortable, but just don't go around in flannel onesies all the time when you are home. Wear something nice. If you are a woman, wear pretty nighties or sexy sweats. If you are a guy, wear nice clothes that you feel sexy in and shows your woman you think enough of her to put a little effort into the way you look to her.
  • Find humor in everything, make each other laugh, even when things aren't going right, try to find the humorous or sunny side of the situation.

5. Get Comfortable
If arthritis or ongoing pain makes sex less enjoyable, find ways to feel better. Try a new position that’s easier on your body or use pillows for support.

If you have back pain, for instance, have sex side-by-side instead of in the missionary position, which can make back pain worse.

Plan sex for a time of day when you feel your best. Ahead of time, take a warm bath or some pain medicine if you need it so that you'll be more relaxed.

6. Troubleshoot your medications
Some medications have side effects that can affect sexual desire and performance.

Some medications that can affect sex are:
Antidepressants

Antihistamines
Blood Pressure medications
Cholestoral lowering drugs
Ulcer medications

If you think a medication you are taking is interfering with your sexual health, talk to your doctor. Many times a change in medication can solve the issue.

7. If you have had surgery, take your time. Give your body time to recover. Sometimes a lack of interest is temporary and related to the medications, the anethesia, the procedure, or the pain.

8. Talk it out. Be honest with your partner, talk everything over. If you can't fix it through communication, you may want or need to seek out a professional therapist. There are religious, sex, family, and relationship therapists so find one that meets your needs.

Don't be embarrassed to seek professional help, everyone needs help from time to time and a professional will keep everything confidential.

9. STDs will affect sexual health. Older people with STDs are increasing in numbers. If you haven't been tested recently, get tested. Take the medications. Don't be afraid or ashamed, your health is more important that what someone may think of you.

One Additional thought: Our largest sex organ is our brain. (Yes, guys, it's your brain.)

If our thoughts are good, romantic, loving, trusting, with God's approval, and centered your partner and not yourself, your sex life should be outstanding, excellent, amazing, and fulfilling.

It should be an extension of the love you feel for your partner not a task, obligation, or habit.

Love and Trust....that's the key to great sex at any age.
Sex doesn't have to end at a certain age. If you take into consideration the changes that occur as we get older, sex can actually get better as you age.

Even when illness occurs, most issues associated with the illness can be dealt with and sex can continue. The key is that both partners must want the relationship to progress. If either partner doesn't want to continue with the sexual side of the relationship, then it doesn't work.

As an over 50, don't let a number define what you can and can not do. Be open to all that life has to offer. Accept those things that really aren't working and don't fret or worry over it, but also, enjoy completely those things that are working and keep the romantic fires burning.

Live a life On Fire!

If you have a situation or story that would be helpful to other over 50s, please share in the comments, if you would be willing to share. Personal experiences always help others. Remember, you can email me any questions or ideas you may have and I will be happy to respond. Email me: [email protected]

XOXO

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sex after 50: SEX - Over the Age of 50, 60, 70, 80 and Beyond! Say Yes!

3/1/2019

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The young think they have the sex corner covered and when you are over fifty you forget about it or you are not interested anymore or worse yet, they think you can't have it.

Boy, are they wrong!

People over the age of fifty are actually having more and better sex than those young ones who think our days of romance and orgasms are gone.

One day, if those young ones live long enough, they will see for themselves that sex doesn't go away just because you have had over fifty birthdays...in fact, in a lot of cases, it gets better.

Of course, there are always exceptions to everything...and sex over the age of 50 is no different. There are health issues that can affect actual intercourse in "some" cases, but in a lot fewer than most people realize.

Your brain is actually the biggest and strongest "sex organ" you have. It controls everything from your appetite, to desire, to your thoughts and imagination. If used properly, your brain can solve any problem, even that of a "sexless" marriage.

The key is you have to be willing to go in thought to places you may not be comfortable with. However, if you start, you will find that it opens more and more doors for your health, well-being, happiness, and your life than you ever thought it could.

Statistics:

1. While Erectile Dysfunction becomes increasingly common in older men, more than half never develop it. Most older men suffer not from Erectile Dysfunction, but Erection Dissatisfaction.

Starting around age 50 (often earlier among smokers and/or diabetics), erections change. If a man maintains healthy habits throughout his life, he may never experience any problems. Even if he smoked and drank heavily in his younger years, it's not too late, if he stops smoking and limits alcohol intake.

Also, exercise plays a huge role. If a man stays physically active (regular workouts are wonderful), he can extend his sexual abilities way into his 80s and beyond.

However, if his brain is not engaged - his body will suffer as well.

ED is not just an old guys problem, younger men experience this dysfunction from time to time as well. They are just not as open about it due to the stigmatism that comes with it. (With younger men, perceived reputation is everything.)

ED, if it is truly ED and not a brain shut down, can be treated with medications. Often a healthier lifestyle and physical activity can resolve ED. Most of the time, it is a brain disconnect that can be remedied if the man thinks more positive about himself.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Think about all the older men who go for younger women. It boosts their egos. Even when they have nothing else in common with these younger women, it shows the world that he still "has it" and that boosts his confidence which in turns boosts his sexual functions. These men tend to lack true confidence in themselves and require validation of relevancy.

2. Most older men would prefer a woman closer to his own age, if they were honest. They have more in common with women in their age group and that makes life better in the long run. Only a truly happy and confident man will actually go after a woman his age, because he is not interested in what the world thinks but in what really makes him happy. (Good news for us!)

3. Women who are happy with their own bodies and have self confidence (not validated from outside of themselves, but from within themselves), enjoy sex more than they did when they were younger. They feel less pressure to conform to the world's view of an older female and instead become role models for younger women on how to do it.

In contrast, women who feel self conscience with their own bodies, are less likely to seek a sexual partner even though they desire that relationship, they sometimes fall back on "those days are gone for me". They are not gone.

4. Our Vision of what is “Sexy” is different now.

Self image is just that “self” image. It is not necessarily the way others see us. We can be our own hardest critic, especially women, when it comes to our bodies.

Yes, there things that may make it hard to stand naked in front of someone you love. In truth, after the age of fifty, most of us are looking at the whole person. We want more than just a good looking body, we want a good looking personality. We want someone who is sexy and not just look sexy where our brains are finally realized as valuable.

We want someone we can communicate with both in and out of the bed. Loving and cheerful are suddenly more important than big boobs and smooth skin. Being cheerful, even in the eye of a storm, is a positive sexual marker for us now. We truly know what is important.

5. Older men (and women, but specifically men) are not in a hurry anymore, they take their time. They become better lovers.

When men are young, they are goal oriented. For example: getting the girl to bed fast and making the home run was the end game – the goal. Hormones were strong and egos were fragile.
As men age, they appreciate the process more and more. Hormones are stable and they have a lot of experiences to draw from. They have learned that half the fun is getting there.

Psychology Today stated in an article they published Sex after 50 Can be the best in your life that:

“Young love is hot and juicy, but many young men are all finished and falling asleep before young women have even warmed up to genital play. In addition, young women tend to be less genitally focused than young men and more interested in playful mutual whole-body massage. These gender differences often cause conflict.
But after 50, men’s and women’s erotic sensibilities converge.”

The article goes on to say:

“Compared with young lovers,” says developmental psychologist Richard Sprott, Ph.D., of California State University, East Bay, in Hayward, “older couples are more sexually similar. Couples who appreciate this can enjoy richer, more fulfilling sex at 65 than they had at 25.”

Even when there are physical difficulties in erections and vaginal dryness, older couples are more apt to work through those issues and come out on the other side happier.

Older couples understand life and each other more.

This means women are happier with their men and are more satisfied as a whole. Men also realize that orgasm is just part of the big picture.

6. The children are gone – the house is empty.

The whole house can be a playground for older lovers now. No more worrying about a child coming in at the wrong moment, being so tired from raising children that you have no energy left for sex, and you are no longer limited to your bedroom with the door closed in the middle of the night (so the children don't hear you).
Also, the fear of pregnancy is gone and that alone reduces stress.

As referenced in the Psychology Today article mentioned earlier there is an excellent book written by sexy, 70-year-old, Joan Price, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50, that is full of information that every couple should read. She deals with every issue that we have as we age in regards to sex and provides sound help.

(It is a book about sex, so don't get upset if you get it and start reading it only to learn more about sex as we age than you ever wanted to know. Just a reminder and warning.)


The bottom line is this:

“No matter what your situation, your age,
or what the world media may tell you,
you are never too old
to enjoy the gift of sex with someone you love.”
Sheryl
February 25, 2019


Are you over 50 and in love? Are you still sexually active? Do you find it better now than when you were younger? Do you have any advice, thoughts, or ideas about sex after the age of 50 that you can share with us?

XOXO

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    My mission​

    Sharing thoughts and ideas for the woman over 50 that are helpful, fun, creative, inspiring and interesting. Over 50s who want to remain relevant, happy and loving their life.
    On fire for your own life!
    ❤ Sheryl ❤

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