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Encouragement: Reflect! Plan! Make changes! Take time for yourself during this holiday season!

12/28/2018

The older I get, the more I appreciate the little things in life. I have always been a nature child in that I will go out for a walk or sit on my porch swing and talk to God. I have always enjoyed the little things in life.

During the Christmas season,
I will often think about my family and what I can do for them. My gifts to them will be things they need, that they will help them in some way. I also try to give at least one small gift that they want. (Of course, my granddaughter is the exception - I shower her with things she loves.)

This time of year, just prior to a fresh new beginning of a new year, is the perfect time to look around you and evaluate where your life is and if you achieved your goals. It is also a time to think about new goals. What do you want to accomplish in the future? Where is your life headed?

"Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection."
Winston Churchill

While you are giving to others during this time of year, give to yourself. Give yourself the gift of self reflection and make the necessary changes that you
need and want.
Don't forget to celebrate those successes that you achieved in the past year. Celebrate all the blessings you have received.

"Give yourself a gift!
Reflect and change what you need to change."
Sheryl, 2018

Consider your past year accomplishments and what you could have done better? Did you exercise every day? Should you add cardio? Did you learn something new at every opportunity? Do you see more opportunities in the coming year to learn new things? What about your diet? Did you eat healthy this past year? Are there changes you need to make this coming year? Use this time to reflect on your spiritual life, as well. Are you living the life you know you should be living? Are there any changes that you need to make? Share you thoughts with the On Fire community. Start a conversation!

XOXO

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Grieving Losses: 10 Ways to help someone who has lost a child or loved one – For everyone who knows someone who has lost a loved one or child

12/21/2018

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Last week I wrote about ways to survive the holidays when you have lost a child or loved one. This week I am writing to those of us who are trying to help someone who has lost a child or loved one. I spoke to people who have actually experienced these losses, a couple of professionals, and did my own research.

Here is what I found out. While a lot of it is common sense, when a tragedy occurs such as this type of loss, common sense does not always prevail. We are human and our emotions sometimes get in the way of common sense.

I interviewed an experienced counselor. She said that this is the first and probably the most important thing to remember:

"The biggest help for those of us who want to help another
is to remember this is an individualized process."
(Kambi Swan, Licensed Professional Counselor, specializing in Trauma)

Remember that every person grieves differently. There is not a one size fits all for helping someone.

Losing a child is different than losing a spouse or a parent.
Also, the life experiences of the survivor affects the way they grieve. If they have experienced prior losses they may recover quicker than someone who has never experienced a loss. If the survivor is experiencing other issues in their life during the time of the loss, they may not do as well as someone who is well grounded and their life is stable.

Losing a child is the hardest loss because it challenges the natural order of life.

We don't expect to out live our children.
Losing a spouse depends a lot on the health of the relationship at the time of death. Someone who has been madly in love with their spouse for 30 or more years will have a harder time recovering than someone whose marriage was on shaky ground or where there was unhappiness. Both still grieve, but it is different for each and recovery time varies.

Some things to remember when trying to help a person with this type of loss:

The first year is called "The Year of Firsts". This is a readjustment period. First holiday without their child or loved one, first birthday, first anniversary, etc.
Take all preconceived notions of grief off the table, everyone grieves differently.
Remember, they haven't lost a person, they've lost a relationship. Relationships are what makes each person different. My niece passed this year. My relationship with her was as her aunt, my sister's relationship was as her mother. Same person, big difference.
Please, please, please remember to avoid trite statements (but not limited to the following): They are better off now. God called them home. God needed another angel. You can have other children.
The survivor is trying to find meaning in the death of their loved one. Each person has to find their own meaning and it may not make sense to you. It doesn't have to, just accept it for them and go on even if you don't agree with it.
The survivor is trying to come to terms with the why of their loved ones death. They must do this on their own. You may have ideas and you can share them as long as they are not judgemental or cast blame on someone. The survivor knows things they are not telling you, you may not have all the story. You don't need to know everything, this is not your journey, it is theirs and they must travel it in their own way.
Call or visit them and just be a listening ear for most of this time, but don't avoid the subject either. Let the survivor bring up the subject and then participate, don't avoid. Remember the lost loved one with fondness always keeping it on a positive note.

The survivor is also searching for relief of responsibility.
They will ask themselves:

Could I have prevented this?
Did I miss something that could have made a difference?
Did I pay enough attention?

The survivor will relive many past moments looking for clues. They are looking for peace with what's happened.

They are looking for closure. Let them, do not discourage them.

Do not recommend medication. Not everyone needs medication and most should not have it. A lot depends on what was going on in their life when the death occurred. Leave this to the professionals. It is always better to deal with and recover from a trauma such as this without medication.
Be supportive. Do not give advice, there is no way you could understand what they ar going through. Even if you have experienced a similar situation, remember "it's an individualized process".

Here are some good resources:
Support Groups:

Griefshare - a national support group that will put you contact with other people who have experienced the same type of loss; https://www.griefshare.org/

Rainbow Kids - a support group that targets children who have lost parents or other significant family/friends; http://www.rainbowkidswi.org/

Bereavement Support Group Online: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/bereavement

Books:

"Life, Death, and Beyond" by Mack Lyon at Amazon: http://tiny.cc/s52q0y

"Jesus Wept : Trusting the Good Shepherd When You Lose a Loved One" by Leroy Brownlow: https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Wept-Trusting-Shepherd-
Loved/dp/0915720124/ref=sr_1_37?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481834977&sr=1-37&keywords=leroy+brownlow+books

"Farther Along - The Writing Journey of Thirteen Bereaved Mothers" - by 13 mothers (Amazon lists author as Carol Henderson); https://fartheralongbook.com/about/

"Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman; https://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384

"Widow to Widow" by Gineveve Ginsburg; https://www.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961

"Don't Ever Give Up!" by Bob Spurlin; https://www.amazon.com/Dont-ever-give-Bob-Spurlin/dp/B0006S9YVC

Additional help is available: I want to add a number 11 to this list. Number 11 is to pray everyday for your friend or family member who has lost a loved one.

"Pray often for God's help, comfort, and guidance."
Bob Spurlin, author
("Don't Ever Give Up!")
Psalms 55:17; James 5:13;
Psalms 55:22: 1 Peter 5:7

One scripture that always gives me comfort is found in Revelation 21:4:

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;
and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain."

So, we can see that there are lots of things we can do to help our loved ones deal with the death of one of their children or a loved one. It requires us to step up and take it upon ourselves as it will not come to us. If we love our friend or family member and are truly sincere about wanting to the help them, then follow the guidelines in this week's blog and you should become an important part of their support system.

Do you know someone experiencing this loss? Are you trying to be a member of their support team? Do you have first hand experience in this area? Are you willing to share your thoughts with the rest of us (the readers).

XOXO

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Grieving Losses: 10 Suggestions to Survive the Holidays after the death of a child, spouse, or loved one – It's Tough!

12/14/2018

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(I run this article every year about this time. I have many requests for it.
This year alone I have experienced 6 deaths between family and friends.
It is hard to carry on sometimes. I hope this continues to help
anyone who is facing this situation.)

If you ask anyone who has lost a loved one, they will tell you it's hard to return to the life you had before the loss. That loss changes your life in varying degrees. If you ask someone who has lost a child, they will tell you it's devastating and impossible to return to life as it once was.

We who are over 50 strive to eat healthy, exercise, and live longer. We must also remember that the longer we live, the more losses of friends and family through death we will face. It's important to develop skills and a community to help ourselves and others deal with these losses.

As an over 50 person, I know I have experienced a lot of losses already in my life. The journey thru the fifties prepares us for the later years. Losing our hair, gaining weight, hormone changes, creaky joints, daily medications, etc. We have also most likely experienced the death of a loved family member. Still we struggle to survive the holidays without them.

I spoken to several of my friends and family about how they have dealt with the loss of a child or a loved one. I also researched suggestions from professional sources, such as a preacher, a church elder, a family counselor, and a doctor.

Here are the results of my research and interviews. I hope that this information helps someone whether you have lost a loved one, friend, or a child, or you are trying to help someone else who has experienced loss:

1.  You may not feel like celebrating the first holiday and that's okay.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.

2.  Sometimes getting away from home for the holidays is a good idea.
Different surroundings,
different traditions being made, and separation from reminders of holidays past. Stay in a different town or city, state or country, in a hotel or B&B, just somewhere different. It can ease the pain of the missing loved one.

3.  You need at least one person that you can call on at any time during the holiday season.
Someone you trust,
someone who will just listen,
someone who is always available or
at least most of the time,
so that when you have a bad time,
you can call and talk through it.

4.  If you have a grave to go to, decorate it. It helps to include that loved one
in the holiday and not leave them out.
If you don't have a grave to visit,
such as in cremation,
decorate the container or
the area around the container.

5. Donate to a charity, church, fund, or some other organization that helps others in your loved ones name.
Help someone else while helping yourself and memorializing your loved one. Volunteer someplace and help someone else in the memory of your loved one.

6.  If you have a bereavement group to attend, go.
Share your feelings with those who have experienced what you have, people who know what you are going through.

7.  Try to focus and reflect on the reason for the holiday.
For example, Christmas,
a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus; Easter is a time to reflect on Christ sacrifice for all mankind; etc.

8.  Don't follow the family traditions of making cookies, putting up a tree, lighting your house outside, or anything that you don't feel like doing.
You are not at your normal energy level. Emotionally you are drained which also drains you physically.

9.  Connect with your spiritual self.
Trust in God. Talk to God, pray to God, read God's word, go to worship services, and be honest.
God is the one that understands.

10.  Do what makes you feel better,
do not let anyone tell you
that it's time to move on.
You are the only one who knows
when that time is.
This is not their journey, it is yours. Everyone is different, some take longer than others to move forward.
You never get over a loss, you only learn how to survive it.

Another consideration is medication. While it is better to handle issues without medication, sometimes we need to rely upon a mood enhancer or stress reducer to help us get through these holidays. There is nothing wrong with that, but just be sure that you don't allow yourself to become dependent on them. At some point you must learn to handle your emotions without medication.

It will get easier and you will get through this. It may seem like your world has ended and you are stuck in the darkness, but light will one day shine again. Each holiday season will get easier. It will never be the same and you shouldn't expect it to be. Later, you will establish new traditions while still remembering your lost beloved. Don't rush, take your time.

Next week, I am discussing what to do if you are the friend or family member of someone who has had a loss of a child, spouse, or other loved one.
How do you help them? What to say or not say. How can you be supportive when you have no idea how your friend or family member feels?

XOXO

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Encouragement: The beginning of the 'giving season'....give a little time to yourself! Make this a December to Remember!

12/7/2018

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Every day we have decisions to make. Some of those decisions are related to living - what to eat, what to wear, etc. Some decisions we make can become life changing, for good or not so good.

December, by tradition, has always been a month to give to others. We share our resources of time, food, gifts, and money with our family, our friends, and those less fortunate. Often we leave ourselves out of the giving. To give ourselves a gift is not selfish, it is wise.

This December I ask that you give yourself the gift of time. Time to reflect on the past year.

Reflect on:

the things you did right,
the things you could have done better,
if you met your goals,
if you didn't meet your goals then why not,
and all the events of your life from the past year.

Time to think about the coming year:

What goals did you set for yourself last year but didn't accomplish? Do you want to set them again for the new coming year?
What do you want to accomplish in the next year?
In what ways can you grow in knowledge and health?
Did you use the SMART plan to establish those goals? (See my blog article dated: January 1, 2016)

There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself a little time to reflect, evaluate, and make new goals and plans. This is the perfect time of the year to do so. Spending December in reflection allows you to put your plans in action by the first of the new year. Not as resolutions, but as plans
and goals.

If you want to share
some of your successes
over the last year
with the On Fire community,
please do so in the comments.
I would love to know
what you have accomplished this last year.
I will share some of mine
as well.

The beginning of the 'giving season'..
..give a little time to yourself!

XOXO

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Encouragement: Reflect! Plan! Make changes! Take time for yourself during this holiday season!

Grieving Losses: 10 Ways to help someone who has lost a child or loved one – For everyone who knows someone who has lost a loved one or child

Grieving Losses: 10 Suggestions to Survive the Holidays after the death of a child, spouse, or loved one – It's Tough!

Encouragement: The beginning of the 'giving season'....give a little time to yourself! Make this a December to Remember!

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Encouragement: Reflect! Plan! Make changes! Take time for yourself during this holiday season!

Grieving Losses: 10 Ways to help someone who has lost a child or loved one – For everyone who knows someone who has lost a loved one or child

Grieving Losses: 10 Suggestions to Survive the Holidays after the death of a child, spouse, or loved one – It's Tough!

Encouragement: The beginning of the 'giving season'....give a little time to yourself! Make this a December to Remember!

My mission​

Categories

Archives

About

Blog

Contact

My mission