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Grieving Losses: Thoughts On Loss - On Death - On Living

12/27/2019

1 Comment

 
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I found this from Goodreads: (https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6941165.Christina_Rasmussen)

It is full of excellent information on how it feels to experience a death and how to survive a death.

“I have lived in the shadow of loss—the kind of loss that can paralyze you forever.

I have grieved like a professional mourner—in every waking moment, draining every ounce of my life force.

I died—without leaving my body.
But I came back, and now it’s your turn.

I have learned to remember my past—without living in it.

I am strong, electric, and alive, because I chose to dance, to laugh, to love, and to
live again.

I have learned that you can’t re-create the life you once had—you have to
reinvent a life for yourself.

And that reinvention is a gift, not a curse.

I believe your future self is a work of art and that science can help you create it. If you’re lost . . . if you’re gone . . . if you can barely absorb the words on this
page . . . I want you to hold this truth in your heart: when it’s your time to go, you won’t wish you had spent more time grieving; you’ll wish you had spent more time living.

That’s why I’m here. And why you are, too.
Let’s live like our lives depend on it.”
​

Christina Rasmussen, Second Firsts: Live, Laugh, and Love Again
Christina Rasmussen

Website: https://christinarasmussen.com/
Genre: Self Help
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​Christina Rasmussen is on a crusade to change the way we live after loss.

As the founder of The Life Reentry Institute an organization to help people create a pathway back to life after loss, Christina spends her time speaking, coaching, and helping thousands of people rebuild, reclaim, and relaunch their lives using the most powerful tool for personal reinvention: the human mind. Her personal story and fresh approach to life after loss has garnered international attention.

​She writes for the Huffington Post, she's been featured as a Woman Working to Do Good in the White House Blog, and she was named the Leading Mom in Business by StartupNation.


Hope this helps someone who is grieving a loss during this holiday season.
My prayer is for God to send his comforting spirit to your heart.

Enjoy this holiday season with your friends and family while you still can. Nothing is promised to us, least of all the amount of time we have on earth. Don't worry what others may say about you:
It's your life, given to you by God.
Live it the way YOU choose.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
​

XOXO
1 Comment

Grieving Losses: 5 Reasons it is Important to Talk It Out when you are Grieving a Loss

12/20/2019

1 Comment

 
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When you have lost a loved one, it doesn't matter how long ago or how recent it was, you still hurt and you still miss that loved one. When it's recent, people come to your side and ask you what happened, how you are, and other questions. After the funeral or memorial, usually these people begin to disappear and you are left to grieve alone.


Does that mean it's time to move on? To stop talking about it? To put it in your past and forget about it? No! It means you need to find someone who will listen and will support you for the long run. It might be more than one person, it might be a therapist or minister, it might be that you need to join a grief support group. There are many types of support groups available. Some are person to person (physical), some are virtual (internet), and some are connected to another group (such as a church or community outreach).


What you don't want to do is keep everything in your head or bottled up. Even with all the groups in existence, if you can't find one that you feel comfortable with, try journaling. Get a beautiful bound journal and write down everyday what you are feeling. Make it a ritual. Empty your head of all the thoughts of the day. Writing it down often helps us to see the feelings we are harboring and to put some order in them. It may also help to unclutter our minds so that we can think more clearly.


Regardless of how you accomplish this task, do it. Talk it out or write it out. Don't keep your feelings and thoughts in your head to grown and get out of control. You need an outlet for these thoughts and feelings whether it's been 10 minutes or 10 years since you experienced your loss.


It's a step in healing, don't underestimate or overlook it.
Stay Connected.
Have you lost a loved one recently to death? Do you have a person, persons, or group to “talk it out” with? Do you find it helps in your healing? Do you have any suggestions to offer someone else who may be experiencing the same thing?
​


XOXO
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Grieving Losses: One of my Favorite New Books on grieving - Growing through Grief, by Bill Flatt, Ed. D.

12/13/2019

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Over the last few months I have participated in group made up of around twenty-five people who are experiencing grief over the loss of a loved one. Some have lost loved ones recently, other longer. The group has been following and using the book by Bill Flatt, Ed. D. titled "Growing through Grief". This is one of the best, if not the best, books on grief that I have read yet.

The group met under the name of "A Time to Mourn" and was led by a minister. It has been and continues to be one of the best learning experiences I have had in the area of grieving. I hope this review helps you and if you want to get a copy of the "big" little book "Growing through Grief", I will put a link in this article where you can purchase it.

Flatt speaks from experience, from the loss of his mother and others, as well as study. He highlights the stages of grief and the importance of each stage. He notes that we may pass through a stage on to the next one or the next few, only to find ourselves back at that same stage later. In other words, we flow in and out of each stage, sometimes many times, before we can permanently move on.

While Flatt doesn't dismiss the stages of grief that were first brought to light in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book on Death and Dying, published in 1969, Flatt does group them differently. He believes they are not linear, but rather circular.

As I stated above, we circle back and revisit stages often more than once before really moving on.

Flatt's stages of grief are more groups of stages - Stages of Grief, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

In his book, he groups them into 3 parts that are related to each other instead of each stage individually.

Flatt pushes the point that talking it out is probably the most important thing we can do to help ourselves heal. The problem comes when we decide who we will talk it out with.

Sometimes, the ones closest to us, are not the right ones. Sometimes, people don't want to hear what you have to say for various reasons of their own. Sometimes, the right person or persons to talk it out with are not whom we think they are. There is not a one size fits all in this area.

For example, a friend may need a therapist, another may need a minister, another may need a brother or sister, you may need a friend.

Everyone's needs are different, but one thing is constant, almost everyone can benefit from talking it out with someone; however, there are always exceptions to everything.

There are a few who can heal better within themselves by themselves. They may call on God to listen or another religious entity they believe in, or they may call on no one.

Why would someone not want to be the one you talk it out with? Why don't your children, sister, brother, friend, or other person you are close to want to talk about your loss? Your grief? There are many, many reasons for this.

Often, but not always, it is because of two reasons (but there are numerous others) - (1) by talking about it with you, they are reminded of a loss of their own, or of their own mortality. They don't want to be reminded of a loss and they certainly don't want to be reminded they, too, will one day pass from this earth; (2) They don't know what to say, they think they have to say something profound, or they feel like they need to fix you and they don't know how.

Don't be hurt if someone is not available for your to talk it out with. Keep searching for the "right" person, you will find them.

Don't rule out anyone, it might be someone you wouldn't normally think of. Don't shut any doors, if someone is willing to talk or to listen to you, let them. Don't question why.

Sometimes, you may not think you need to talk it out with anyone, you may think you can go it alone. Some people can, as I mentioned earlier, but most people can't. This is a stage of grieving you must deal with.

Don't let the following keep you from opening up and talking to someone:

- I may lose control if I start talking out loud about this.

- What will this person think of me?

- They are not interested in my pain, I can't put this on them.

- (If you are a man) I am supposed to be able to handle this, I am a man.

- I can't be weak, I must be strong and bear this on my own.

- This is my cross to bear, no one needs to be bothered with it.

As you travel through Flatt's book, you will read about grief in 3 parts. The stages are grouped together like this:

- Stages of Grief Part 1: Shock, Lamentation, Withdrawal.

- Stages of Grief Part 2: Frustration, Panic, Depression.

- Stages of Grief Part 3: Detachment, Adaptation, Reinvestment, Growth.

This is such a wonderful book and I recommend it to anyone who is grieving a death. In the following weeks, I will be getting into some of the better parts of this book and will post a blog on it.

I do recommend getting your own copy to read, re-read, refer back to, and keep for the future. It is full of helpful insights and information.

You can purchase this "big" little book here:

www.amazon.com/dp/0892253053/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_T1Q7DbF1EH06Q

From Amazon it comes in Kindle format for $6.99 and in a paper version from $4.99 (used) to $6.99 (new).

https://www.ebay.com/itm/381464314641

From eBay it comes in paperback only for $12.66 (new).

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/growing-through-grief-bill-flatt/1001661983

From Barnes and Noble it comes in paperback new and used from $1.99 to $6.99.

Hope this helps, stay tuned for future blogs on this important topic. Let me know if you have a specific topic and I will try to cover that in the future.

XOXO
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Grieving Losses: December is a wonderful month - for most people - but not for all.

12/6/2019

2 Comments

 
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(NOTE: I have added a new "category" to my blog!)

“Grief, no matter how you try to cater to its wail,
has a way of fading away.”
V.C. Andrews, Flowers in the Attic


If you ask a child what Christmas means to them, you will most likely get a response like "Santa!" or "I want to go see Christmas lights, please?" Children see the good things in everything. As children grow older, they change and by the time they are our age, a lot has changed.

As we get older, for many over 50s, Christmas takes on a whole new meaning. It stops being about the Santa, lights, gifts, and parties and becomes what it was meant to be. It slowly transitions from the material to the spiritual and mental. The time we have left on this precious earth begins to become more about spiritual things, family and friends, and reflection.

“To ease a grieving heart is the world's greatest pleasure, more so, when the heart is yours.”
Radhika Mundra
Indian Author and Blogger


For some, Christmas becomes a stressful holiday. The holiday season can become a time of increased sadness and a feeling of loneliness. The causes for this stress are numerous, recent divorces, the death of a spouse or child, the loss of friends through illness and death, physical distance from family members, family squabbles (which can occur at any age), a personal illness, and many other reasons.

After the age of 50, we have most likely lost a friend or two or family members through to illness or death. It changes things in a big way. The whole left by the missing person stays with you throughout the whole season. Does this mean that your holiday is ruined or not enjoyable? No. It means it is only different.

This month I have added a new blog category "Grieving Losses". In this category, you will find blog articles that offer help, not only for surviving the holidays, but for other times of the year, as well.

I will also include some extras from time to time that will be not only helpful, but also interesting. I will be posting a new article in this category next week, but you can now easily find past articles just by clicking on the "Grieving Losses" in the "Category" area on the right side of the blog.

Grieving losses is more than just about the people we have lost, it is also the loss of our health, loss of mobility, loss of our youthful beauty (but gaining our "Golden" beauty, : ) ) or anything in our lives that changes in a negative way.

“Grieving is an expression of gratitude,
and that expression doesn't have to be rushed.”

Carolyn Wells, Start Again, Inspiration from the Sunny Side of Adversity


While there is a difference in grieving a death and grieving a life event, the emotion is the same only more intense and longer lasting with a death. The emotion is the same, but the intensity is different.

The grieving process is basically the same, except that with life events you are not grieving the loss of a relationship. The stages of grief can be similar, but you experience additional stages of loss with a death.
It is easier to put a recovery plan together with life events than with a death. Often a death will cause the griever to experience depression and not just sadness or disappointment.

“It's not that I want to forget
It's just that sometimes
It hurts to remember”

A.H. Lueders
Self-Published Author

Forgetting is hard if not impossible when it's a death, but life events they will pass.

We never forget our loved ones or their passing.

A life event will pass and we will forget most of the time.

Remember to check out my December blogs under “Grieving Losses” for help in getting through the holiday season. During this month of December, I will be posting a blog (maybe two) about grieving and surviving the holidays and how to dig ourselves out the depression hole.

Have you experienced a life event that felt like your world was coming to an end? What did you do to get past it? Have you experienced a death that left you feeling like your world did end? How were you able to survive? Did you do it alone or with help? Please comment on this important article. Help someone else.
​

XOXO
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Grieving Losses: 10 Ways to help someone who has lost a child or loved one – For everyone who knows someone who has lost a loved one or child

12/21/2018

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Last week I wrote about ways to survive the holidays when you have lost a child or loved one. This week I am writing to those of us who are trying to help someone who has lost a child or loved one. I spoke to people who have actually experienced these losses, a couple of professionals, and did my own research.

Here is what I found out. While a lot of it is common sense, when a tragedy occurs such as this type of loss, common sense does not always prevail. We are human and our emotions sometimes get in the way of common sense.

I interviewed an experienced counselor. She said that this is the first and probably the most important thing to remember:

"The biggest help for those of us who want to help another
is to remember this is an individualized process."

(Kambi Swan, Licensed Professional Counselor, specializing in Trauma
)

Remember that every person grieves differently. There is not a one size fits all for helping someone.
  • Losing a child is different than losing a spouse or a parent.
  • Also, the life experiences of the survivor affects the way they grieve. If they have experienced prior losses they may recover quicker than someone who has never experienced a loss. If the survivor is experiencing other issues in their life during the time of the loss, they may not do as well as someone who is well grounded and their life is stable.
Losing a child is the hardest loss because it challenges the natural order of life.
  • We don't expect to out live our children.
  • Losing a spouse depends a lot on the health of the relationship at the time of death. Someone who has been madly in love with their spouse for 30 or more years will have a harder time recovering than someone whose marriage was on shaky ground or where there was unhappiness. Both still grieve, but it is different for each and recovery time varies.

S
ome things to remember when trying to help a person with this type of loss:
  1. The first year is called "The Year of Firsts". This is a readjustment period. First holiday without their child or loved one, first birthday, first anniversary, etc.
  2. Take all preconceived notions of grief off the table, everyone grieves differently.
  3. Remember, they haven't lost a person, they've lost a relationship. Relationships are what makes each person different. My niece passed this year. My relationship with her was as her aunt, my sister's relationship was as her mother. Same person, big difference.
  4. Please, please, please remember to avoid trite statements (but not limited to the following):                            They are better off now.    God called them home.   God needed another angel.  You can have other children.
  5. The survivor is trying to find meaning in the death of their loved one. Each person has to find their own meaning and it may not make sense to you. It doesn't have to, just accept it for them and go on even if you don't agree with it.
  6. The survivor is trying to come to terms with the why of their loved ones death. They must do this on their own. You may have ideas and you can share them as long as they are not judgemental or cast blame on someone. The survivor knows things they are not telling you, you may not have all the story. You don't need to know everything, this is not your journey, it is theirs and they must travel it in their own way.
  7. Call or visit them and just be a listening ear for most of this time, but don't avoid the subject either. Let the survivor bring up the subject and then participate, don't avoid. Remember the lost loved one with fondness always keeping it on a positive note.
 The survivor is also searching for relief of responsibility.
They will ask themselves:
  1. Could I have prevented this?
  2. Did I miss something that could have made a difference?
  3. Did I pay enough attention?
 
The survivor will relive many past moments looking for clues. They are looking for peace with what's happened.

They are looking for closure. Let them, do not discourage them.

 
  1. Do not recommend medication. Not everyone needs medication and most should not have it. A lot depends on what was going on in their life when the death occurred. Leave this to the professionals. It is always better to deal with and recover from a trauma such as this without medication.
  2. Be supportive. Do not give advice, there is no way you could understand what they ar going through. Even if you have experienced a similar situation, remember "it's an individualized process".
Here are some good resources:
Support Groups:


Griefshare - a national support group that will put you contact with other people who have experienced the same type of loss; https://www.griefshare.org/

Rainbow Kids - a support group that targets children who have lost parents or other significant family/friends; http://www.rainbowkidswi.org/

Bereavement Support Group Online: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/bereavement

Books:

"Life, Death, and Beyond" by Mack Lyon at Amazon: http://tiny.cc/s52q0y


"Jesus Wept : Trusting the Good Shepherd When You Lose a Loved One" by Leroy Brownlow: https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Wept-Trusting-Shepherd-

Loved/dp/0915720124/ref=sr_1_37?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481834977&sr=1-37&keywords=leroy+brownlow+books


"Farther Along - The Writing Journey of Thirteen Bereaved Mothers" - by 13 mothers (Amazon lists author as Carol Henderson); https://fartheralongbook.com/about/

"Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman; https://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384

"Widow to Widow" by Gineveve Ginsburg; https://www.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961


"Don't Ever Give Up!" by Bob Spurlin; https://www.amazon.com/Dont-ever-give-Bob-Spurlin/dp/B0006S9YVC


Additional help is available: I want to add a number 11 to this list. Number 11 is to pray everyday for your friend or family member who has lost a loved one.

"Pray often for God's help, comfort, and guidance."
Bob Spurlin, author
("Don't Ever Give Up!")

Psalms 55:17; James 5:13;
Psalms 55:22: 1 Peter 5:7


One scripture that always gives me comfort is found in Revelation 21:4:

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;
and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain."


So, we can see that there are lots of things we can do to help our loved ones deal with the death of one of their children or a loved one. It requires us to step up and take it upon ourselves as it will not come to us. If we love our friend or family member and are truly sincere about wanting to the help them, then follow the guidelines in this week's blog and you should become an important part of their support system.

Do you know someone experiencing this loss? Are you trying to be a member of their support team? Do you have first hand experience in this area? Are you willing to share your thoughts with the rest of us (the readers).

XOXO
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Grieving Losses: 10 Suggestions to Survive the Holidays after the death of a child, spouse, or loved one – It's Tough!

12/14/2018

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(I run this article every year about this time. I have many requests for it.
This year alone I have experienced 6 deaths between family and friends.
It is hard to carry on sometimes. I hope this continues to help
anyone who is facing this situation.)

I​
f you ask anyone who has lost a loved one, they will tell you it's hard to return to the life you had before the loss. That loss changes your life in varying degrees. If you ask someone who has lost a child, they will tell you it's devastating and impossible to return to life as it once was.

We who are over 50 strive to eat healthy, exercise, and live longer. We must also remember that the longer we live, the more losses of friends and family through death we will face. It's important to develop skills and a community to help ourselves and others deal with these losses.

As an over 50 person, I know I have experienced a lot of losses already in my life. The journey thru the fifties prepares us for the later years. Losing our hair, gaining weight, hormone changes, creaky joints, daily medications, etc. We have also most likely experienced the death of a loved family member. Still we struggle to survive the holidays without them.

I spoken to several of my friends and family about how they have dealt with the loss of a child or a loved one. I also researched suggestions from professional sources, such as a preacher, a church elder, a family counselor, and a doctor.

Here are the results of my research and interviews. I hope that this information helps someone whether you have lost a loved one, friend, or a child, or you are trying to help someone else who has experienced loss:

1.  You may not feel like celebrating the first holiday and that's okay.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. 
​
2.  Sometimes getting away from home for the holidays is a good idea.
Different surroundings,
different traditions being made, and separation from reminders of holidays past. Stay in a different town or city, state or country, in a hotel or B&B, just somewhere different. It can ease the pain of the missing loved one.


3.  You need at least one person that you can call on at any time during the holiday season.
Someone you trust,
someone who will just listen,
someone who is always available or
at least most of the time,
so that when you have a bad time,
you can call and talk through it.


4.  If you have a grave to go to, decorate it. It helps to include that loved one
in the holiday and not leave them out.
If you don't have a grave to visit,
such as in cremation,
decorate the container or
the area around the container.


5.  Donate to a charity, church, fund, or some other organization that helps others in your loved ones name.
Help someone else while helping yourself and memorializing your loved one. Volunteer someplace and help someone else in the memory of your loved one.


6.  If you have a bereavement group to attend, go.
Share your feelings with those who have experienced what you have, people who know what you are going through. 


7.  Try to focus and reflect on the reason for the holiday.
For example, Christmas,
a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus; Easter is a time to reflect on Christ sacrifice for all mankind; etc.


8.  Don't follow the family traditions of making cookies, putting up a tree, lighting your house outside, or anything that you don't feel like doing.
You are not at your normal energy level. Emotionally you are drained which also drains you physically.


9.  Connect with your spiritual self.
Trust in God. Talk to God, pray to God, read God's word, go to worship services, and be honest.
God is the one that understands.


10.  Do what makes you feel better,
do not let anyone tell you
that it's time to move on.

You are the only one who knows
when that time is.
This is not their journey, it is yours. Everyone is different, some take longer than others to move forward.
You never get over a loss, you only learn how to survive it.


Another consideration is medication. While it is better to handle issues without medication, sometimes we need to rely upon a mood enhancer or stress reducer to help us get through these holidays. There is nothing wrong with that, but just be sure that you don't allow yourself to become dependent on them. At some point you must learn to handle your emotions without medication.  

It will get easier and you will get through this. It may seem like your world has ended and you are stuck in the darkness, but light will one day shine again. Each holiday season will get easier. It will never be the same and you shouldn't expect it to be. Later, you will establish new traditions while still remembering your lost beloved. Don't rush, take your time.

Next week, I am discussing what to do if you are the friend or family member of someone who has had a loss of a child, spouse, or other loved one.
How do you help them? What to say or not say. How can you be supportive when you have no idea how your friend or family member feels?

XOXO

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Grieving Losses: 10 Ways to Help Someone Who Has Lost a Child or Loved one (Re-posted)

12/15/2017

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Last December I wrote about ways to survive the holidays when you have lost a child or loved one and about how to help someone who has lost a child or loved one. ​
I spoke to people who have actually experienced these losses, spoke to a couple of professionals, and did some research. A lot of what I found out is common sense. However, when a tragedy occurs such as this type of loss, common sense does not always prevail. We are human and our emotions sometimes get in the way of common sense.


First of all and probably the most important thing to remember is this:

"The biggest help for those of us who want to help another is to remember this is an individualized process."

- Kambi Swan, Licensed Professional Counselor, specializing in Trauma -

Remember that every person grieves differently. There is not a one size fits all for helping someone. Losing a child is different than losing a spouse, parent, etc. Also, the life experiences of the survivor affects the way they grieve. If they have experienced prior losses they may recover quicker than someone who has never experienced a loss. If the survivor is experiencing other issues in their life during the time of the loss, they may not do as well as someone who is well grounded and their life is stable.

Losing a child is one of the hardest losses because it challenges the natural order of life. We don't expect to out live our children. Losing a spouse depends a lot on the health of the relationship at the time of death. Someone who has been madly in love with their spouse for 30 or more years will have a harder time recovering than someone whose marriage was on shaky ground or where there was unhappiness. Both still grieve, but it is different for each and recovery time varies.

Christmas is one of the hardest holidays if you have lost a child. I have chosen to
re-post this from last December's blog to help anyone who may be going through this.


Some things to remember when trying to help a person with this type of loss:

1. The first year is called "The Year of Firsts". This is a readjustment period. First holiday without their child or loved one, first birthday, first anniversary, etc.

2. Take all preconceived notions of grief off the table, everyone grieves differently.

3. Remember, they haven't lost a person, they've lost a relationship. Relationships are what makes each person different. My niece passed this year. My relationship with her was as her aunt, my sister's relationship was as her mother. Same person, big difference.

4. Please, please, please remember to avoid trite statements (but not limited to the following):
- They are better off now
- God needed another angel
- You can have other children
- God called them home

5. The survivor is trying to find meaning in the death of their loved one. Each person has to find their own meaning and it may not make sense to you. It doesn't have to, just accept it for them and go on even if you don't agree with it.

6. The survivor is trying to come to terms with the why of their loved ones death. They must do this on their own. You may have ideas and you can share them as long as they are not judgemental or cast blame on someone. The survivor knows things they are not telling you, you may not have all the story. You don't need to know everything, this is not your journey, it is theirs and they must travel it in their own way.

7. Call or visit them and just be a listening ear for most of this time, but do not avoid the subject either. Let the survivor bring up the subject and then participate, don't avoid. Remember the lost loved one with fondness always keeping it on a positive note.

8. The survivor is also searching for relief of responsibility. They will ask themselves:
- Could I have prevented this?
- Did I pay enough attention?
- Did I miss something that could have made a difference?
The survivor will relive many past moments looking for clues. They are looking for peace with what's happened. They are looking for closure. Let them, do not discourage them.

9. Do not recommend medication. Not everyone needs medication and most should not have it. A lot depends on what was going on in their life when the death occurred. Leave this to the professionals. It is always better to deal with and recover from a trauma such as this without medication.

10. Be supportive. Do not give advice, there is no way you could understand what they ar going through. Even if you have experienced a similar situation, rememeber "it's an individualized process".

Here are some good resources:

Support Groups:

Griefshare - a national support group that will put you contact with other people who have expereinced the same type of loss; https://www.griefshare.org/

Rainbow Kids - a support group that targets children who have lost parents or other significant family/friends; http://www.rainbowkidswi.org/

Bereavement Support Group Online; https://www.dailystrength.org/group/
bereavement


Books:

"Life, Death, and Beyond" by Mack Lyon; https://www.amazon.com/Life-Death-Beyond-Mack-Lyon/dp/0929540174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481834302&sr=1-1&keywords=mack+Lyon

"Jesus Wept : Trusting the Good Shepherd When You Lose a Loved One" by Leroy Brownlow: https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Wept-Trusting-Shepherd-Loved/dp/0915720124/ref=sr_1_37?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481834977&sr=1-37&keywords=leroy+brownlow+books

"Farther Along - The Writing Journey of Thirteen Bereaved Mothers" - by 13 mothers (Amazon lists author as Carol Henderson); https://fartheralongbook.com/about/

"Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman; https://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384

"Widow to Widow" by Gineveve Ginsburg; https://www.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961

"Don't Ever Give Up!" by Bob Spurlin; https://www.amazon.com/Dont-ever-give-Bob-Spurlin/dp/B0006S9YVC

Additional help is available: I want to add a number 11 to this list. Number 11 is to pray everyday for your friend or family member who has lost a loved one.

"Pray often for God's help, comfort, and guidance."

- Bob Spurlin, author ("Don't Ever Give Up!")
Psalms 55:17; James 5:13; Psalms 55:22: 1 Peter 5:7

One scripture that always gives me comfort is found in Revelation21:4:

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain."

So, we can see that there are lots of things we can do to help our loved ones deal with the death of one of their children or a loved one. It requires us to step up and take it upon ourselves as it will not come to us. If we love our friend or family member and are truly sincere about wanting to the help them, then follow the guidelines in this week's blog and you should become an important part of their support system.

Do you know someone experiencing this loss? Are you trying to be a member of their support team? Do you have first hand experience in this area? Are you willing to share your thoughts with the rest of us (the readers).

XOXO
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Grieving losses: 10 Ways to help someone who has lost a child or loved one

12/16/2016

1 Comment

 
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 Last week I wrote about ways to survive the holidays when you have lost a child or loved one, this week I am writing to those of us who are trying to help someone who has lost a child or loved one. I spoke to people who have actually experienced these losses, spoke to a couple of professionals, and did some research. Here is what I found out, a lot of it is common sense. However, when a tragedy occurs such as this type of loss, common sense does not always prevail. We are human and our emotions sometimes get in the way of common sense.

First of all and probably the most important thing to remember is this:
​

"The biggest help for those of us who want to help another is to remember this is an individualized process."
- Kambi Swan,
Licensed Professional Counselor,
specializing in Trauma


Remember that every person grieves differently. There is not a one size fits all for helping someone. Losing a child is different than losing a spouse, parent, etc. Also, the life experiences of the survivor affects the way they grieve. If they have experienced prior losses they may recover quicker than someone who has never experienced a loss. If the survivor is experiencing other issues in their life duirng the time of the loss, they may not do as well as someone who is well grounded and their life is stable. 
Losing a child is the hardest loss because it challenges the natural order of life. We don't expect to out live our children. Losing a spouse depends a lot on the health of the relationship at the time of death. Someone who has been madly in love with their spouse for 30 or more years will have a harder time recovering than someone whose marriage was on shaky ground or where there was unhappiness. Both still grieve, but it is different for each and recovery time varies.

Some things to remember when trying to help a person with this type of loss:

1.  The first year is called "The Year of Firsts". This is a readjustment period. First holiday without their child or loved one, first birthday, first anniverssary, etc. 

2.  Take all pre-concieved notions of grief off the table, everyone grieves differently.

3.  Remember, they haven't lost a person, they've lost a relationship. Relationships are what makes each person different. My niece passed this year. My relationship with her was as her aunt, my sister's relationship was as her mother. Same person, big difference.

4.  Please, please, please remember to avoid trite statements (but not limited to the following):
    - They are better off now
    - God needed another angel
    - You can have other children
    - God called them home

5.  The survivor is trying to find meaning in the death of their loved one. Each person has to find their own meaning and it may not make sense to you. It doesn't have to, just accept it for them and go on even if you don't agree with it.

6.  The survivor is trying to come to terms with the why of their loved ones death. They must do this on their own. You may have ideas and you can share them as long as they are not judgemental or cast blame on someone. The survivor knows things they are not telling you, you may not have all the story. You don't need to know everything, this is not your journey, it is theirs and they must travel it in their own way.

7.   Call or visit them and just be a listening ear for most of this time, but do not avoid the subject either. Let the survivor bring up the subject and then participate, don't avoid. Remember the lost loved one with fondness always keeping it on a positive note.

8.  The survivor is also searching for relief of responsibility. They will ask themselves:
    - Could I have prevented this?
    - Did I pay enough attention?
    - Did I miss something that could have made a difference?
The survivor will relive many past moments looking for clues. They are looking for peace with what's happened. They are looking for closure. Let them, do not discourage them. 

9.  Do not recommend medication. Not everyone needs medication and most should not have it. A lot depends on what was going on in their life when the death occurred. Leave this to the professionals. It is always better to deal with and recover from a trauma such as this without medication.

10.  Be supportive. Do not give advice, there is no way you could understand what they ar going through. Even if you have experienced a similar situation, rememeber "it's an individualized process".

Here are some good resources:

Support Groups:

Griefshare - a national support group that will put you contact with other people who have expereinced the same type of loss; www.griefshare.org/

Rainbow Kids - a support group that targets children who have lost parents or other significant family/friends; www.rainbowkidswi.org/

Bereavement Support Group Online; www.dailystrength.org/group/bereavement

Books:

"Life, Death, and Beyond" by Mack Lyon; www.amazon.com/Life-Death-Beyond-Mack-Lyon/dp/0929540174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481834302&sr=1-1&keywords=mack+Lyon

"Jesus Wept : Trusting the Good Shepherd When You Lose a Loved One" by Leroy Brownlow:
www.amazon.com/Jesus-Wept-Trusting-Shepherd-Loved/dp/0915720124

"Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman; www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384

"Widow to Widow" by Gineveve Ginsburg; www.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961

"Don't Ever Give Up!" by Bob Spurlin;
www.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961

Additional help is available: I want to add a number 11 to this list. Number 11 is to pray everyday for your friend or family member who has lost a loved one. 

"Pray often for God's help, comfort, and guidance."
- Bob Spurlin, author ("Don't Ever Give Up!") 
Psalms 55:17; James 5:13; Psalms 55:22: 1 Peter 5:7 


One scripture that always gives me comfort is found in Revelation21:4:

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain."

So, we can see that there are lots of things we can do to help our loved ones deal with the death of one of their children or a loved one. It requires us to step up and take it upon ourselves as it will not come to us. If we love our friend or family member and are truly sincere about wanting to the help them, then follow the guidelines in this week's blog and you should become an important part of their support system.

Do you know someone experiencing this loss? Are you trying to be a member of their support team? Do you have first hand experience in this area? Are you willing to share your thoughts with the rest of us (the readers). 

XOXO


1 Comment

Grieving losses: 10 Suggestions to Survive the Holidays after the death of a child, spouse, or loved one

12/9/2016

0 Comments

 
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If you ask anyone who has lost a loved one, they will tell you it's hard to return to the life you had before the loss. That loss changes your life in varying degrees. If you ask someone who has lost a child, they will tell you it's devastating and impossible to return to life as it once was.

As we who are over 50 strive to eat healthy, exercise, and live longer, we must also remember that the longer we live, the more losses of friends and family through death we will face. It's important to develope skills and a community to help ourselves and others deal with these losses.

As an over 50 person, I know I have experienced a lot of losses already in my life. The journey thru the fifties prepares us for the later years. Losing our hair, gaining weight, hormone changes, creaky joints, daily medications, etc. We have also most likely experienced the death of a loved family member. Still we struggle to survive the holidays without them.

I spoke to several of my friends and family about how they have dealt with the loss of a child or a loved one. I also researched suggestions from professional sources, such as a preacher, a church elder, a family counselor, and a doctor.

Here are the results of my research and interviews. I hope that this information helps someone whether you have lost a loved one, friend, or a child, or you are trying to help someone else who has experienced loss.

    1.  You may not feel like celebrating the first holiday and that's ok. You don't owe anyone an explanation. 

    2.  Sometimes getting away from home for the holiday is a good idea. Different surroundings, different traditions being made, and separation from reminders of holidays past. Stay in a different town or city, state or country, in a hotel or B&B, just somewhere different, can ease the pain of the missing loved one.

    3.  You need at least one person that you can call on at any time during the holiday season. Someone you trust, someone who will just listen, someone who is always available or at least most of the time, so that when you have a bad time, you can call and talk through it.

    4.  If you have a grave to go to, decorate it. It helps to include that loved one in the holiday and not leave them out. If you don't have a grave to visit, such as in cremation, decorate the container or the area around the container.

    5.  Donate to a charity, church, fund, or some other organization that helps others in your loved ones name. Help someone else while helping yourself and memorializing your loved one. Volunteer someplace and help someone else in the memory of your loved one.

    6.  If you have a breavement group to attend, go. Share your feelings with those who have experienced what you have, people who know what you are going through. 

    7.  Try to focus and reflect on the reason for the holiday. For example, Christmas, a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus; Easter is a time to reflect on Christ sacrafice for all mankind; etc.

    8.  Don't follow the family traditions of making cookies, putting up a tree, lighting your house outside, or anything that you don't feel like doing. You are not at your normal energy level, emotionally you are drained which also drains you physically.

    9.  Connect with your spiritual self. Trust in God. Talk to God, pray to God, read God's word, go to worship services, and be honest. God is the one that understands.
    
    10.  Do what makes you feel better, do not let anyone tell you that it's time to move on. You are the only one who knows when that time is. This is not their journey, it is yours. EVeryone is different, some take longer than others to move forward. You never get over a loss, you only learn how to survive it.


Another consideration is medication. While it is better to handle issues without medication, sometimes we need to rely upon a mood enhancer or stress reducer to help us get through these holidays. There is nothing wrong with that, but just be sure that you don't allow yourself to become dependent on them. At some point you must learn to handle your emotions without medication. 

It will get easier and you will get through this. It may seem like your world has ended and you are stuck in the darkness, but light will one day shine again. Each holiday season will get easier. It will never be the same and you shouldn't expect it to be. Later, you will establish new traditions while still remembering your lost beloved. Don't rush, take your time.

Next week, I am discussing what to do if you are the friend or family member of someone who has had a loss of a child, spouse, or other loved one. How do you help them? What to say or not say. How can you be supportive when you have no idea how your friend or family member feels?

XOXO
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    My mission​

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    On fire for your own life!
    ❤ Sheryl ❤

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