​Christina Rasmussen is on a crusade to change the way we live after loss.

As the founder of The Life Reentry Institute an organization to help people create a pathway back to life after loss, Christina spends her time speaking, coaching, and helping thousands of people rebuild, reclaim, and relaunch their lives using the most powerful tool for personal reinvention: the human mind. Her personal story and fresh approach to life after loss has garnered international attention.

​She writes for the Huffington Post, she's been featured as a Woman Working to Do Good in the White House Blog, and she was named the Leading Mom in Business by StartupNation.

Hope this helps someone who is grieving a loss during this holiday season.
My prayer is for God to send his comforting spirit to your heart.

Enjoy this holiday season with your friends and family while you still can. Nothing is promised to us, least of all the amount of time we have on earth. Don't worry what others may say about you:
It's your life, given to you by God.
Live it the way YOU choose.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
​
XOXO

(NOTE: I have added a new "category" to my blog!)

“Grief, no matter how you try to cater to its wail,
has a way of fading away.”
V.C. Andrews, Flowers in the Attic

If you ask a child what Christmas means to them, you will most likely get a response like "Santa!" or "I want to go see Christmas lights, please?" Children see the good things in everything. As children grow older, they change and by the time they are our age, a lot has changed.

As we get older, for many over 50s, Christmas takes on a whole new meaning. It stops being about the Santa, lights, gifts, and parties and becomes what it was meant to be. It slowly transitions from the material to the spiritual and mental. The time we have left on this precious earth begins to become more about spiritual things, family and friends, and reflection.

“To ease a grieving heart is the world's greatest pleasure, more so, when the heart is yours.”
Radhika Mundra
Indian Author and Blogger

For some, Christmas becomes a stressful holiday. The holiday season can become a time of increased sadness and a feeling of loneliness. The causes for this stress are numerous, recent divorces, the death of a spouse or child, the loss of friends through illness and death, physical distance from family members, family squabbles (which can occur at any age), a personal illness, and many other reasons.

After the age of 50, we have most likely lost a friend or two or family members through to illness or death. It changes things in a big way. The whole left by the missing person stays with you throughout the whole season. Does this mean that your holiday is ruined or not enjoyable? No. It means it is only different.

This month I have added a new blog category "Grieving Losses". In this category, you will find blog articles that offer help, not only for surviving the holidays, but for other times of the year, as well.

I will also include some extras from time to time that will be not only helpful, but also interesting. I will be posting a new article in this category next week, but you can now easily find past articles just by clicking on the "Grieving Losses" in the "Category" area on the right side of the blog.

Grieving losses is more than just about the people we have lost, it is also the loss of our health, loss of mobility, loss of our youthful beauty (but gaining our "Golden" beauty, : ) ) or anything in our lives that changes in a negative way.

“Grieving is an expression of gratitude,
and that expression doesn't have to be rushed.”
Carolyn Wells, Start Again, Inspiration from the Sunny Side of Adversity


While there is a difference in grieving a death and grieving a life event, the emotion is the same only more intense and longer lasting with a death. The emotion is the same, but the intensity is different.

The grieving process is basically the same, except that with life events you are not grieving the loss of a relationship. The stages of grief can be similar, but you experience additional stages of loss with a death.
It is easier to put a recovery plan together with life events than with a death. Often a death will cause the griever to experience depression and not just sadness or disappointment.

“It's not that I want to forget
It's just that sometimes
It hurts to remember”
A.H. Lueders
Self-Published Author

Forgetting is hard if not impossible when it's a death, but life events they will pass.

We never forget our loved ones or their passing.

A life event will pass and we will forget most of the time.

Remember to check out my December blogs under “Grieving Losses” for help in getting through the holiday season. During this month of December, I will be posting a blog (maybe two) about grieving and surviving the holidays and how to dig ourselves out the depression hole.

Have you experienced a life event that felt like your world was coming to an end? What did you do to get past it? Have you experienced a death that left you feeling like your world did end? How were you able to survive? Did you do it alone or with help? Please comment on this important article. Help someone else.
​
XOXO

Last week I wrote about ways to survive the holidays when you have lost a child or loved one. This week I am writing to those of us who are trying to help someone who has lost a child or loved one. I spoke to people who have actually experienced these losses, a couple of professionals, and did my own research.

Here is what I found out. While a lot of it is common sense, when a tragedy occurs such as this type of loss, common sense does not always prevail. We are human and our emotions sometimes get in the way of common sense.

I interviewed an experienced counselor. She said that this is the first and probably the most important thing to remember:

"The biggest help for those of us who want to help another
is to remember this is an individualized process."
(Kambi Swan, Licensed Professional Counselor, specializing in Trauma)

Remember that every person grieves differently. There is not a one size fits all for helping someone.

• Losing a child is different than losing a spouse or a parent.
• Also, the life experiences of the survivor affects the way they grieve. If they have experienced prior losses they may recover quicker than someone who has never experienced a loss. If the survivor is experiencing other issues in their life during the time of the loss, they may not do as well as someone who is well grounded and their life is stable.
  

Losing a child is the hardest loss because it challenges the natural order of life.

• We don't expect to out live our children.
  
• Losing a spouse depends a lot on the health of the relationship at the time of death. Someone who has been madly in love with their spouse for 30 or more years will have a harder time recovering than someone whose marriage was on shaky ground or where there was unhappiness. Both still grieve, but it is different for each and recovery time varies.
  

Some things to remember when trying to help a person with this type of loss:

1. The first year is called "The Year of Firsts". This is a readjustment period. First holiday without their child or loved one, first birthday, first anniversary, etc.
   
2. Take all preconceived notions of grief off the table, everyone grieves differently.
   
3. Remember, they haven't lost a person, they've lost a relationship. Relationships are what makes each person different. My niece passed this year. My relationship with her was as her aunt, my sister's relationship was as her mother. Same person, big difference.
   
4. Please, please, please remember to avoid trite statements (but not limited to the following):                            They are better off now.    God called them home.   God needed another angel.  You can have other children.
   
5. The survivor is trying to find meaning in the death of their loved one. Each person has to find their own meaning and it may not make sense to you. It doesn't have to, just accept it for them and go on even if you don't agree with it.
6. The survivor is trying to come to terms with the why of their loved ones death. They must do this on their own. You may have ideas and you can share them as long as they are not judgemental or cast blame on someone. The survivor knows things they are not telling you, you may not have all the story. You don't need to know everything, this is not your journey, it is theirs and they must travel it in their own way.
   
7. Call or visit them and just be a listening ear for most of this time, but don't avoid the subject either. Let the survivor bring up the subject and then participate, don't avoid. Remember the lost loved one with fondness always keeping it on a positive note.
   

 The survivor is also searching for relief of responsibility.
They will ask themselves:

1. Could I have prevented this?
   
2. Did I miss something that could have made a difference?
   
3. Did I pay enough attention?
   

 
The survivor will relive many past moments looking for clues. They are looking for peace with what's happened.

They are looking for closure. Let them, do not discourage them.
 

1. Do not recommend medication. Not everyone needs medication and most should not have it. A lot depends on what was going on in their life when the death occurred. Leave this to the professionals. It is always better to deal with and recover from a trauma such as this without medication.
   
2. Be supportive. Do not give advice, there is no way you could understand what they ar going through. Even if you have experienced a similar situation, remember "it's an individualized process".
   

Here are some good resources:
Support Groups:

Griefshare - a national support group that will put you contact with other people who have experienced the same type of loss; https://www.griefshare.org/

Rainbow Kids - a support group that targets children who have lost parents or other significant family/friends; http://www.rainbowkidswi.org/

Bereavement Support Group Online: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/bereavement

Books:

"Life, Death, and Beyond" by Mack Lyon at Amazon: http://tiny.cc/s52q0y

"Jesus Wept : Trusting the Good Shepherd When You Lose a Loved One" by Leroy Brownlow: https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Wept-Trusting-Shepherd-
Loved/dp/0915720124/ref=sr_1_37?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481834977&sr=1-37&keywords=leroy+brownlow+books

"Farther Along - The Writing Journey of Thirteen Bereaved Mothers" - by 13 mothers (Amazon lists author as Carol Henderson); https://fartheralongbook.com/about/

"Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman; https://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384

"Widow to Widow" by Gineveve Ginsburg; https://www.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961

"Don't Ever Give Up!" by Bob Spurlin; https://www.amazon.com/Dont-ever-give-Bob-Spurlin/dp/B0006S9YVC

Additional help is available: I want to add a number 11 to this list. Number 11 is to pray everyday for your friend or family member who has lost a loved one.

"Pray often for God's help, comfort, and guidance."
Bob Spurlin, author
("Don't Ever Give Up!")
Psalms 55:17; James 5:13;
Psalms 55:22: 1 Peter 5:7

One scripture that always gives me comfort is found in Revelation 21:4:

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;
and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain."

So, we can see that there are lots of things we can do to help our loved ones deal with the death of one of their children or a loved one. It requires us to step up and take it upon ourselves as it will not come to us. If we love our friend or family member and are truly sincere about wanting to the help them, then follow the guidelines in this week's blog and you should become an important part of their support system.

Do you know someone experiencing this loss? Are you trying to be a member of their support team? Do you have first hand experience in this area? Are you willing to share your thoughts with the rest of us (the readers).

XOXO

(I run this article every year about this time. I have many requests for it.
This year alone I have experienced 6 deaths between family and friends.
It is hard to carry on sometimes. I hope this continues to help
anyone who is facing this situation.)

I​f you ask anyone who has lost a loved one, they will tell you it's hard to return to the life you had before the loss. That loss changes your life in varying degrees. If you ask someone who has lost a child, they will tell you it's devastating and impossible to return to life as it once was.

We who are over 50 strive to eat healthy, exercise, and live longer. We must also remember that the longer we live, the more losses of friends and family through death we will face. It's important to develop skills and a community to help ourselves and others deal with these losses.

As an over 50 person, I know I have experienced a lot of losses already in my life. The journey thru the fifties prepares us for the later years. Losing our hair, gaining weight, hormone changes, creaky joints, daily medications, etc. We have also most likely experienced the death of a loved family member. Still we struggle to survive the holidays without them.

I spoken to several of my friends and family about how they have dealt with the loss of a child or a loved one. I also researched suggestions from professional sources, such as a preacher, a church elder, a family counselor, and a doctor.

Here are the results of my research and interviews. I hope that this information helps someone whether you have lost a loved one, friend, or a child, or you are trying to help someone else who has experienced loss:

1.  You may not feel like celebrating the first holiday and that's okay.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. 
​
2.  Sometimes getting away from home for the holidays is a good idea.
Different surroundings,
different traditions being made, and separation from reminders of holidays past. Stay in a different town or city, state or country, in a hotel or B&B, just somewhere different. It can ease the pain of the missing loved one.

3.  You need at least one person that you can call on at any time during the holiday season.
Someone you trust,
someone who will just listen,
someone who is always available or
at least most of the time,
so that when you have a bad time,
you can call and talk through it.

4.  If you have a grave to go to, decorate it. It helps to include that loved one
in the holiday and not leave them out.
If you don't have a grave to visit,
such as in cremation,
decorate the container or
the area around the container.

5.  Donate to a charity, church, fund, or some other organization that helps others in your loved ones name.
Help someone else while helping yourself and memorializing your loved one. Volunteer someplace and help someone else in the memory of your loved one.

6.  If you have a bereavement group to attend, go.
Share your feelings with those who have experienced what you have, people who know what you are going through. 

7.  Try to focus and reflect on the reason for the holiday.
For example, Christmas,
a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus; Easter is a time to reflect on Christ sacrifice for all mankind; etc.

8.  Don't follow the family traditions of making cookies, putting up a tree, lighting your house outside, or anything that you don't feel like doing.
You are not at your normal energy level. Emotionally you are drained which also drains you physically.

9.  Connect with your spiritual self.
Trust in God. Talk to God, pray to God, read God's word, go to worship services, and be honest.
God is the one that understands.

10.  Do what makes you feel better,
do not let anyone tell you
that it's time to move on.
You are the only one who knows
when that time is.
This is not their journey, it is yours. Everyone is different, some take longer than others to move forward.
You never get over a loss, you only learn how to survive it.

Another consideration is medication. While it is better to handle issues without medication, sometimes we need to rely upon a mood enhancer or stress reducer to help us get through these holidays. There is nothing wrong with that, but just be sure that you don't allow yourself to become dependent on them. At some point you must learn to handle your emotions without medication.  

It will get easier and you will get through this. It may seem like your world has ended and you are stuck in the darkness, but light will one day shine again. Each holiday season will get easier. It will never be the same and you shouldn't expect it to be. Later, you will establish new traditions while still remembering your lost beloved. Don't rush, take your time.

Next week, I am discussing what to do if you are the friend or family member of someone who has had a loss of a child, spouse, or other loved one.
How do you help them? What to say or not say. How can you be supportive when you have no idea how your friend or family member feels?

XOXO

 Last week I wrote about ways to survive the holidays when you have lost a child or loved one, this week I am writing to those of us who are trying to help someone who has lost a child or loved one. I spoke to people who have actually experienced these losses, spoke to a couple of professionals, and did some research. Here is what I found out, a lot of it is common sense. However, when a tragedy occurs such as this type of loss, common sense does not always prevail. We are human and our emotions sometimes get in the way of common sense.

First of all and probably the most important thing to remember is this:
​
"The biggest help for those of us who want to help another is to remember this is an individualized process."
- Kambi Swan,
Licensed Professional Counselor,
specializing in Trauma

Remember that every person grieves differently. There is not a one size fits all for helping someone. Losing a child is different than losing a spouse, parent, etc. Also, the life experiences of the survivor affects the way they grieve. If they have experienced prior losses they may recover quicker than someone who has never experienced a loss. If the survivor is experiencing other issues in their life duirng the time of the loss, they may not do as well as someone who is well grounded and their life is stable. 
Losing a child is the hardest loss because it challenges the natural order of life. We don't expect to out live our children. Losing a spouse depends a lot on the health of the relationship at the time of death. Someone who has been madly in love with their spouse for 30 or more years will have a harder time recovering than someone whose marriage was on shaky ground or where there was unhappiness. Both still grieve, but it is different for each and recovery time varies.

Some things to remember when trying to help a person with this type of loss:

1.  The first year is called "The Year of Firsts". This is a readjustment period. First holiday without their child or loved one, first birthday, first anniverssary, etc. 

2.  Take all pre-concieved notions of grief off the table, everyone grieves differently.

3.  Remember, they haven't lost a person, they've lost a relationship. Relationships are what makes each person different. My niece passed this year. My relationship with her was as her aunt, my sister's relationship was as her mother. Same person, big difference.

4.  Please, please, please remember to avoid trite statements (but not limited to the following):
    - They are better off now
    - God needed another angel
    - You can have other children
    - God called them home

5.  The survivor is trying to find meaning in the death of their loved one. Each person has to find their own meaning and it may not make sense to you. It doesn't have to, just accept it for them and go on even if you don't agree with it.

6.  The survivor is trying to come to terms with the why of their loved ones death. They must do this on their own. You may have ideas and you can share them as long as they are not judgemental or cast blame on someone. The survivor knows things they are not telling you, you may not have all the story. You don't need to know everything, this is not your journey, it is theirs and they must travel it in their own way.

7.   Call or visit them and just be a listening ear for most of this time, but do not avoid the subject either. Let the survivor bring up the subject and then participate, don't avoid. Remember the lost loved one with fondness always keeping it on a positive note.

8.  The survivor is also searching for relief of responsibility. They will ask themselves:
    - Could I have prevented this?
    - Did I pay enough attention?
    - Did I miss something that could have made a difference?
The survivor will relive many past moments looking for clues. They are looking for peace with what's happened. They are looking for closure. Let them, do not discourage them. 

9.  Do not recommend medication. Not everyone needs medication and most should not have it. A lot depends on what was going on in their life when the death occurred. Leave this to the professionals. It is always better to deal with and recover from a trauma such as this without medication.

10.  Be supportive. Do not give advice, there is no way you could understand what they ar going through. Even if you have experienced a similar situation, rememeber "it's an individualized process".

Here are some good resources:

Support Groups:

Griefshare - a national support group that will put you contact with other people who have expereinced the same type of loss; www.griefshare.org/

Rainbow Kids - a support group that targets children who have lost parents or other significant family/friends; www.rainbowkidswi.org/

Bereavement Support Group Online; www.dailystrength.org/group/bereavement

Books:

"Life, Death, and Beyond" by Mack Lyon; www.amazon.com/Life-Death-Beyond-Mack-Lyon/dp/0929540174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1481834302&sr=1-1&keywords=mack+Lyon

"Jesus Wept : Trusting the Good Shepherd When You Lose a Loved One" by Leroy Brownlow:
www.amazon.com/Jesus-Wept-Trusting-Shepherd-Loved/dp/0915720124

"Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman; www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384

"Widow to Widow" by Gineveve Ginsburg; www.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961

"Don't Ever Give Up!" by Bob Spurlin;
www.amazon.com/Widow-Thoughtful-Practical-Ideas-Rebuilding/dp/0738209961

Additional help is available: I want to add a number 11 to this list. Number 11 is to pray everyday for your friend or family member who has lost a loved one. 

"Pray often for God's help, comfort, and guidance."
- Bob Spurlin, author ("Don't Ever Give Up!") 
Psalms 55:17; James 5:13; Psalms 55:22: 1 Peter 5:7 

One scripture that always gives me comfort is found in Revelation21:4:

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain."

So, we can see that there are lots of things we can do to help our loved ones deal with the death of one of their children or a loved one. It requires us to step up and take it upon ourselves as it will not come to us. If we love our friend or family member and are truly sincere about wanting to the help them, then follow the guidelines in this week's blog and you should become an important part of their support system.

Do you know someone experiencing this loss? Are you trying to be a member of their support team? Do you have first hand experience in this area? Are you willing to share your thoughts with the rest of us (the readers). 

XOXO

If you ask anyone who has lost a loved one, they will tell you it's hard to return to the life you had before the loss. That loss changes your life in varying degrees. If you ask someone who has lost a child, they will tell you it's devastating and impossible to return to life as it once was.

As we who are over 50 strive to eat healthy, exercise, and live longer, we must also remember that the longer we live, the more losses of friends and family through death we will face. It's important to develope skills and a community to help ourselves and others deal with these losses.

As an over 50 person, I know I have experienced a lot of losses already in my life. The journey thru the fifties prepares us for the later years. Losing our hair, gaining weight, hormone changes, creaky joints, daily medications, etc. We have also most likely experienced the death of a loved family member. Still we struggle to survive the holidays without them.

I spoke to several of my friends and family about how they have dealt with the loss of a child or a loved one. I also researched suggestions from professional sources, such as a preacher, a church elder, a family counselor, and a doctor.

Here are the results of my research and interviews. I hope that this information helps someone whether you have lost a loved one, friend, or a child, or you are trying to help someone else who has experienced loss.

    1.  You may not feel like celebrating the first holiday and that's ok. You don't owe anyone an explanation. 

    2.  Sometimes getting away from home for the holiday is a good idea. Different surroundings, different traditions being made, and separation from reminders of holidays past. Stay in a different town or city, state or country, in a hotel or B&B, just somewhere different, can ease the pain of the missing loved one.

    3.  You need at least one person that you can call on at any time during the holiday season. Someone you trust, someone who will just listen, someone who is always available or at least most of the time, so that when you have a bad time, you can call and talk through it.

    4.  If you have a grave to go to, decorate it. It helps to include that loved one in the holiday and not leave them out. If you don't have a grave to visit, such as in cremation, decorate the container or the area around the container.

    5.  Donate to a charity, church, fund, or some other organization that helps others in your loved ones name. Help someone else while helping yourself and memorializing your loved one. Volunteer someplace and help someone else in the memory of your loved one.

    6.  If you have a breavement group to attend, go. Share your feelings with those who have experienced what you have, people who know what you are going through. 

    7.  Try to focus and reflect on the reason for the holiday. For example, Christmas, a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus; Easter is a time to reflect on Christ sacrafice for all mankind; etc.

    8.  Don't follow the family traditions of making cookies, putting up a tree, lighting your house outside, or anything that you don't feel like doing. You are not at your normal energy level, emotionally you are drained which also drains you physically.

    9.  Connect with your spiritual self. Trust in God. Talk to God, pray to God, read God's word, go to worship services, and be honest. God is the one that understands.
    
    10.  Do what makes you feel better, do not let anyone tell you that it's time to move on. You are the only one who knows when that time is. This is not their journey, it is yours. EVeryone is different, some take longer than others to move forward. You never get over a loss, you only learn how to survive it.

Another consideration is medication. While it is better to handle issues without medication, sometimes we need to rely upon a mood enhancer or stress reducer to help us get through these holidays. There is nothing wrong with that, but just be sure that you don't allow yourself to become dependent on them. At some point you must learn to handle your emotions without medication. 

It will get easier and you will get through this. It may seem like your world has ended and you are stuck in the darkness, but light will one day shine again. Each holiday season will get easier. It will never be the same and you shouldn't expect it to be. Later, you will establish new traditions while still remembering your lost beloved. Don't rush, take your time.

Next week, I am discussing what to do if you are the friend or family member of someone who has had a loss of a child, spouse, or other loved one. How do you help them? What to say or not say. How can you be supportive when you have no idea how your friend or family member feels?

XOXO