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Life: Rudeness - What do you do? - 7 Ways to Deal With Rudeness

6/19/2020

The older I get the less drama I want in my life.
I want peace and loving relationships. Truthful relationships are an absolute must as I get older, I don't have the energy to try to figure something out. Just tell me the truth and let me deal with it. But also, be ready to get the truth back and
deal with it.

Rudeness is probably my biggest pet peeve. People, even good friends and family, can be rude at times. I can be rude at times. They don't intend to be rude, as I don't intend to be rude, but never the less, it does happen. I don't hold that against anyone as it is just part of life.

Rudeness can be a result of not feeling well, being depressed, being too busy, or any number of other reasons. It is not an “old” person's issue, it is a “human” issue.

Then there are those who are rude just to be rude - to show their perceived power or position, to cause or inflict fear, or for any other of a number of 'reasons'. Those are the ones I have issues with. There's no reason to be rude on purpose to anyone. If you have issues with someone, talk to them.

How do I know what to do?
Here are a 6 ways to deal with rudeness:

1. Use humor to turn the situation around. Usually when a person is rude it's because they are upset about something else and you just happen to be the one nearby to receive the reaction. If you can find a common topic of humor you may be able to not only turn this person around, but also change their day.

2. Use kindness to turn the situation around. This is the one of the hardest things to do – be kind when someone is being rude to you or someone near you. If you can be kind, it allows the rude individual to calm down and rethink their position. Generally, they will begin to respond in a more positive way. Either way, you know you did the right thing.

3. Showing empathy or even sometimes sympathy is another way to handle rudeness. If the person thinks you can identify with their feelings, they are most often willing to respond in a nicer way. Sometimes rudeness is a reflection of the feeling of not being heard. When we know that someone understands why we are being rude, that may be all it takes to turn it around to a positive.

4. Set a good example, don't let the person drag you into their rudeness. Respond with kindness, humor, empathy, sympathy, or whatever it takes to diffuse the situation. Do the right thing, you will never regret that decision.

5. Try not to let the situation get out of control and don't return rudeness with rudeness (unless you are forced to and that is rarely the case, there is almost always another way to handle it.) Sometimes no matter what you do, you can not avoid rudeness or change someones attitude so rather that be rude back,
just walk away.

6. Sometimes all you can do is just walk away or avoid that person or situation. Before you allow yourself to return rudeness for rudeness – just leave.
It's that easy.

Remember: Rudeness will always be around. Don't take it as a personal assault, most of the time it has nothing to do with you. Don't be part of the problem, be part of the solution.
Always stay calm.

Have you had this situation with someone close to you? How did you handle it? Did it turn out well or do you wish you had handle it another way? Please start the conversation and share your thoughts and experiences, it will help all of us, including me.

XOXO

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Book Review: The Truth About Men - by DeVon Franklin (A great book mostly for men, but also for women)

6/12/2020

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Evolution. When we hear this word, visions of monkeys and apes no doubt appear in our minds. That is not the evolution I am speaking of.... it's the evolution of man to be the man he was meant to be.

As older adults we have a responsibility to try to help the younger generations navigate the world in a way that makes it better for each generation to come.

We have the opportunity to change the world for women... men have the opportunity to change the world for women and for themselves in a much needed way.

Men can change the course of generations to come for their daughters, granddaughters, wives, sisters, mothers, and all the men in their lives. The question is – Are men willing to change old habits, burst old excuses, and become strong men rather than dogs in a pack?

In DeVon Franklin's book, The Truth About Men, he talks about the dog that every man has within himself. He talks about the excuses that have been created to excuse the bad behavior of men over many generations. It took DeVon a few years to figure out that he was on this "traditional road" and was using these same excuses to “get away with it” and not be held accountable for his bad behavior towards the three lusts of men: the lust for money, the lust for power, and the lust for sex. When he realized what was happening he worked to change, to become disciplined in his thoughts and actions towards these three lusts of mankind.

Here are a few of those manufactured excuses for the bad behavior in men that have been passed down from generation to generation and accepted as true, even though they are lies:

Men will be men.

It's in men's DNA to behave that way.

It'a okay to look, but don't touch.

What my wife/girlfriend doesn't know won't hurt her.

The only difference in men and boys is cost of their toys.

There are many many more excuses, created to excuse men for disrespecting their wives/girlfriends, their bosses, or chasing greed.

This isn't a new thing, it has been this way for a long, long time and in every country. Some countries are worse than others when it comes to these behaviors.

Society has promoted this “it's a man's world” mentality through the increased access to pornography through the internet, relaxed restrictions on R and X ratings on movies, and the changes to music lyrics (more sexual and degrading to women). All of these creative outlets have lead to the objectification of women as being normal and acceptable.

Specifically, in Hollywood and the music Industry, many men have succumbed to the three lusts of man : They make a lot of money, they gain a lot of power, and the women flock to them and they go with it. Inevitably it leads to the wreckage of their lives or at the very least destruction of their careers and/or marriages.

When DeVon speaks “training the dog”, he is not referring to women training men. He is referring to men training themselves to control the dog within them.

He states that this “dog” in men has been left untrained for far too long and has developed into a “pack” mentality. In other words, guys follow guys and thus the behavior continues. If men could learn to train the dog within themselves, before long that would become the norm and the pack mentality would result in a pack of trained dogs.

Trained dogs that are more respected, more attractive to women, and more inclined to behavior that promotes happy lives for all.

There are a lot of really good, strong, men in this world. They are the ones that remain silent when their male friends make sexual remarks about a woman they see who is not their wife. He is the one who looks at a woman and sees God's creation, not a sexual object put there for his personal gratification.

These wonderful men work hard but are not ruled by money. They are powerful, but they use it wisely and respectfully.

They love women, but respect them as humans and as individuals, not as objects to be admired physically.

These are men who do not think jokes that put women in a sexually objective light are funny and will not participate or repeat.

These are the men who have trained the dog within them and become the master of their own minds, hearts, and lives. These are truly strong men to be admired.

I recommend this book to the men who read my blog and to the male friends and family of all readers of my blog.

I also recommend that women read this book (even though DeVon wrote it primarily to men) so that they can encourage their men and be aware of the changes they are trying to make.

While I used the audio version of this book that I obtained from my library, if you don't have access to a copy at your library, you can purchase it on Amazon here: https://amzn.to/35tLLuR

Let's encourage men to become the real men they were meant to be instead of pack of untrained dogs so we can also get rid of this excuse:

“Men, can't live with them, can't live without them.”
- Sheryl 2020 -
(Reword of a quote from Desiderius Erasmus, Dutch Philosopher)

Remember, we (the over 50 adult) have a lot of influence over the younger generations, if we approach it right. Suggesting a book like DeVon Franklin's is a good starting place, if they will read it. The biggest influence is in how we behave, the example we set, the life that we lead.

Do you as a woman, feel that men get away with far too much and that those common excuses (men will be men, etc.) contribute to the acceptance of this bad behavior? As men, do you see the dog in yourself? Is your dog trained or does he run wild with the pack? Comments are encouraged.

XOXO

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Relationships: Opinions - Everybody has them, Nobody seems to want to hear them - Are they good to share?

6/5/2020

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Everybody has opinions. I don't mind hearing peoples opinions, as long as they don't mind hearing mine. We don't have to agree for me to listen to their opinions. If someone wants to share their opinion with me, but they don't want to hear mine, then we have a problem.

If someone wants to share their opinion with me, but they insist that their opinion is right and mine is wrong, then we have a problem.

Otherwise, opinions are the way we learn about each other and the way we grow.

Sometimes, we over 50 adults, think that because we have lived longer, experienced more, and seen more that our opinions are the right ones. That may or may not be the case. We may be wrong.

Remember when you are discussing a topic with a younger person, to respect their right to their own opinion. If they are not respecting your opinion, try to set the example and encourage them to be more open minded without talking "down" to them. Everyone can learn something new or be wrong.

I found a few thoughts about opinions that I would like to share. Some of these thoughts are insightful, some are comical, and some are just down right good.

Read these thoughts and then in the comments, share what you think of these thoughts on opinions:

"Public opinion is no more than this:
what people think that other people think."
Alfred Austin,
English Poet and Novelist

"There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view."
Terence, Roman Comic Playwright,
taken from Phormio - Act 11, scene 4

"Those who never retract their opinions love themselves more than
they love the truth."
Joseph Joubert,
French Moralist and Essayist

"Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice."
Steve Jobs

"The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane."
Mark Twain

"Don't let your opinion sway your judgement."
Samuel Goldwyn

"The greatest deception which men incur proceeds from their opinions."
Leonardo Da Vinci

"Opinion has caused more troubles on this little earth than plagues or earthquakes."
Voltaire

"People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world
is also a confession of character."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Remember, when you give someone your opinion, it is YOUR opinion, not theirs. They will have their own opinion and you should respect that.

Remember, that if their opinion is different than yours, it's okay. You don't have to agree. It's okay. In fact, it makes for interesting conversation as long as no one takes it serious or personal.

Remember, if you over 50, you know a lot and have experienced a lot, but that doesn't mean you know everything. Respect the opinions of younger individuals even when you don't agree. There is a slight chance you could be wrong and even if your right...you don't want to lose that person.

Have you ever shared an opinion only to be met with rudeness? Have you ever heard a young person's (or older person) opinion on something and you know without a shadow of a doubt they are wrong? How did you handle that? Please share any comments, stories, or experiences you have had when exchanging opinions. It can help the rest of us.

XOXO

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Sex After 50: 7 Tips for Better Sex After 50 - Protect Your Relationship

5/29/2020

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Most sexual problems after the age of 50 are the direct result in a breakdown in communication:

Years of raising children and losing contact with each other on a personal level. Raising children can be stressful at times. Busy schedules created by children's activities can cause stress. Discipline issues create problems when parents can't agree on the discipline choice. These can cause communication issues between parents if they are not dealt with properly. Both parents need to be considerate of each other and work as a team. After the children are raised, you may find that you have lost communication with your partner and have nothing to talk about. Fix this! Fix this fast. If you can prevent it from happening to begin with - that is the best solution.

Undiscussed health issues, one partner or the other doesn't feel well or has heart issues, high blood pressure, etc., and they haven't talked about it with the other partner. If either one of you don't feel well or you have lost your desire for sex, don't ignore it. Discuss it with your partner and if needed, discuss with a healthcare professional. Most issues can be resolved easily. There is no need to suffer when there is help available.

Open wounds to the relationship caused by one or both partners. This could be something as small as an unresolved argument or as serious as an affair. It can include insulting, picking at a flaw, looking at other people, flirting with other people, or a general lack of respect in actions or words towards the other partner. Men and women alike, need to feel loved, accepted, appreciated, and valued by the one they love. If you or your partner is giving your attention to a third party, even if it's just a passerby, it can damage your relationship. Your attention should be on your partner, not another person, not ever - even when you are alone. If your focus is on your partner, you will find that you both will be happier with each other.

Lack of time for sex and related activities: Plan special dates - Lunch dates, dinner dates, movie dates, shopping dates, going for specialty coffee, a walk in the park to talk, staying awake and talking in bed right before drifting off to sleep, or anything that allows for intimate conversation. You must make time for sex, but you must also make time to talk to your partner if you want the sex to be good.

Start foreplay long before your intimate time. Flirt with your partner throughout the day, give compliments (truthful compliments), just keep in touch throughout the day letting your partner know you are thinking of them. Anything you can do that let's your partner feel valued, loved, desired, and wanted will count as foreplay.

Sex takes place in the brain first then the body responds. If there is anything that is an issue between you and your partner whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, it will stand in your way of a loving relationship with lovely intimate moments including great sex.

The key is COMMUNICATION!

Talk, talk, talk, but be positive, be loving, be respectful, be helpful, be understanding, don't be selfish or self serving. Always think of your partner first and you will not regret it.

In past blogs under the "Sex After 50"category, I have dealt with various issues related to some of the items listed above. I suggest you go back and read those blogs, as well, if you are feeling unfulfilled sexually in your marriage or relationship.

I hope this helps anyone who is struggling with sex after the age of 50. If we don't address the issues that prevent good sexual health, they will get worse and you will miss out on all the health benefits that sex provides.

(NOTE: I am not a therapist, doctor, or an expert on sex, relationships, etc. I do research and I learn from discussions from others, and my own experiences.)

What do you think is the biggest determent to good sex for adults over the age of 50? Do you have any issues that were not discussed in this blog? Do you have any ideas or suggestions that were not discussed in this blog or in my past Sex After 50 blogs? Please open a conversation so that we can learn from each other.

XOXO

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SPECIAL: Memorial Day for the Over 50 - Safe, Sound and Blessed

5/22/2020

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This Memorial Day Weekend will be different than Memorial Day's in the past. With social distancing, masks, and still some closures, it will be totally different in how we celebrate. With the emphasis on the vulnerability of people over 60 years old and children, we need to be more careful while still celebrating life.

While certain businesses and recreational activities (such as beaches and parks) have been allowed to open now with restrictions, we should not lower our standards of self protection. In fact, we should be more aware of it since we will probably be doing more outside of our homes.

Don't let the virus stop you from enjoying your Memorial Holiday, but be aware of the dangers. If you are going to be around your grandchildren, remember the dangers, but still enjoy those children with all your heart.

If there is one thing we should all take away from this "lock down" is how fragile our lives really are. At a moments notice we can lose contact with our families and friends, either through illness, national emergencies, death, and many other situations.

My bottom line message today for this Memorial Weekend?

Appreciate every minute you have with your family and friends because you never know when that opportunity will be snatched away.

Have a blessed
Memorial Day Weekend!
Get out and enjoy the fresh air, sunshine (or rain, lol),
and the company of loved ones (within safe parameters).

XOXO

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Creativity: Look locally for artists that need your support AND Where you can learn a new skill – Win/Win!

5/15/2020

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Last week a friend and I drove two and a half hours to take an eight hour class in colored pencils. This was my fifth class with Teresa. Every class is different and I learn different skills. I am not an experienced artist and I knew nothing about what could be done with colored pencils. I was nervous about taking the first class. Especially when I saw the work of some of the other students.

I had wanted to take one of her classes since I first saw her at a Christmas show several years ago, but self doubt prevented me from signing up. I just didn't think I could do it well enough to be worth the time and money investment.

The artist, Teresa Pennington, is well known for her artwork of local landmarks and historical locations. She is named The Artist of the Blue Ridge. Her work is amazing.

You can take a virtual tour of her gallery and read her biography on her website here: https://www.tpennington.com/index.php

Here's the five projects I finished in the five classes I took:

I encourage you to seek a local artist that can teach you a new creative skill. Stretch your mind, stretch your creative juices, and stretch your abilities. Add to your skills and protect your brain health by learning something new.

If you don't have access to a local artist, then go online and search for teacher. You can find them on YouTube, on websites, and by word of mouth. It is easier now than ever to find a free teacher or a low cost class to learn something new.

Learn painting, drawing, writing, knitting, crochet, coloring, colored pencils, quilting, candle making, soap making, scrap booking, photography, even a different language, the options are endless.

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old because
we stop playing.”
George Bernard Shaw

Even if you don't think you are creative, you can learn to be. You might be surprised at what you can do if you just try, no matter how far out of your comfort zone you step.

Our brains are able to learn much more than we give it credit for, no matter what our age. It may take a little more time or a little more effort on our part, but we can do it. We can learn new skills after the age of 50. We can learn to be creative after the age of 50. We can increase our knowledge after the age of 50.

What creative skills do you possess? What new creative skill would you like to learn? Is there something you always wanted to do but didn't know how (like oil paint, quilt, write stories, etc.)? What are you doing or what are you going to do, to learn a new skill?

XOXO

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Health and Wellness: Hydration vs Dehydration - the liquid gold of life or a killer?

5/8/2020

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What is one of the most common ailments related to the over 50 adult? What is responsible for a variety of illnesses and ailments in most adults, but specifically if you are over the age of 50? What is the easiest cause of illness and ailments to remedy? The answer might surprise yo - it's water, dehydration.

Do you know what can happen to your body if you don't drink enough water? Most people don't connect dehydration with these symptoms, illnesses, or ailments. Most people turn to medications to treat the symptoms, never considering the "why".

Well, today I want you to consider the "why" if you experience any of the following symptoms:

Very dry skin
Feeling dizzy
Rapid heartbeat
Rapid breathing
Sunken eyes
Constipation
not peeing or very dark yellow pee
sleepiness
lack of energy
confusion or irritability
headache
dry mouth
inability to lose weight
fever over 101
low blood pressure upon standing
in extreme cases - seizures

(NOTE: Any of the above symptoms can indicate mild or severe dehydration. You need to decide if you think you can self hydrate or if you need medical help. Don't take chances by self treating, if you have severe symptoms. Seek medical help.)

How important is it for the over 50 person to stay hydrated?

Extremely! Why is more dangerous for an older person to become dehydrated? Brain cells will sometimes try to store water to quickly and that can result in damage to cells and even the rupturing of brain cells. This is more likely to happen in someone over the age of 50. I have known several people over 50 who were hospitalized for being dehydrated when they thought they were just really tired.

What are the best drinks if you are deydrated? Here's some suggestions:

Water - this is the best way to stay hydrated
Electrolyte infused water
Gatorade
Coconut water
Pedialyte
Skim and low fat milk
fruits and vegetables
coffee and tea

If you are experiencing severe symptoms of dehydration, see your doctor. You may need IV fluids or special hydration fluids. Don't just reach for the pain reliever or sleep excessively. Try more water first.

The best thing is to not get dehydrated in the first place. Most health professionals agree that you should drink eight 8 ounce glasses of water each day. That would be 64 ounces through the whole day. This seems to be the minimum amount needed. Some medical professionals think we need a little more than 64 ounces.

Drinking water is the liquid gold of life.The bottom line is no matter what age you are, you should drink water, the recommended average is eight-eight ounce glasses per day, but especially important if you are over the age of 50. The benefits of staying hydrated are enormous.

DRINK UP!

How much water do you drink in a day? Do you increase your water consumption if you are active outdoors on a hot summer day? Have you ever been dehydrated? What symptoms did you experience?

XOXO

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Life: If a Friend disagrees with you, are they still your friend?

5/1/2020

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"My best friend is the one who brings out the best
in me."
Henry Ford

Everyone wants a friend that they can depend on to be there for them when no one else is. Someone who will let them be who they are without judgments. A friend who understands you and loves you anyway, even when they know all your faults.

What if that person doesn't always agree with your way of thinking or doesn't always back you up in a dispute or disagrees with some of your decisions and lets you know it, are they still a friend?

The answer to that question depends on what you want from a friend. Do you want someone who let's you know when you are messin' up? When you thinking wrongly? Or do you want someone who is always in your corner, whether you are right or wrong?

I have known some from both sides of that argument. Some people i know like to have a friend who will be honest with them no matter what, but still stands with them no matter if they are right or wrong. Some people I know will not be friends with anyone who disagrees with them or who doesn't see things the same way they do. Everyone has needs and everyone's needs are different. Or are they?

Deep down to the core of what a true friendship means is the same for everyone - trust. We all want that one friend that we can trust with the bad stuff as well as the good stuff about us. They may not always agree with us, but they always support our right to our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. They accept us for who we are with all our weaknesses and all our strengths.

If someone doesn't agree with you, it doesn't mean that they are not a good friend. Just as you most likely won't always agree with your friend all the time, that doesn't mean you are not a good friend to them.

Personally, I would rather have a friend who is honest with me, even if I don't always like what they have to say, but still supports me regardless if we see eye-to-eye, than someone who lets me make mistakes that they may have prevented or wants me to agree with everything they say. I want someone who accepts me, faults and all and I will do the same for them.

"A friend is someone who gives you
total freedom
to be
yourself."
Jim Morrison

Sometimes it takes getting older to realize what is valuable in a friendship. When we are young, most of us just wanted to be accepted. Some of us may have compromised our needs or beliefs in order to find that acceptance. When we were young, we may have had a spat with a friend that lead to more misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Now that we are older, hopefully we know how to handle those differences (spats) and not let them ruin a good friendship.

You decide:

1. Do you want a "friend" who always agrees with you even when you are wrong?

2. Do you want a "friend" who will stand with you against others, but then in private tell you where you messed up?

3. Do you want a "friend" who can be trusted with all your faults as well as all your strengths?

4. What kind of a "friend" are you?

"The most I can do for
my friend is simply be his friend."
Henry David Thoreau

No one lives forever and a good friend or two can make getting older a lot easier and happier. Don't let foolish little spats or differences in opinions ruin an otherwise good friendship. People with friends live longer and happier lives than those who are isolated or are always mad at someone.

"Friendship is unnecessary,
like philosophy, like art...
It has no survival value;
rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."
C. S. Lewis

Do you find it easier or harder to make friends as you get older? Do you find that you are more accepting of their faults as you both age? Have you ever lost a good friend over a insignificant difference of opinion or a ridiculous spat? What kind of a friend are you?

XOXO

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Creativity: Now is the time to learn something new - Links to Creative Sites for the Over 50 Adult

4/24/2020

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If you read my blog regularly you know that I believe in staying active physically and mentally. Now with the "order to stay home", this is the perfect time to learn something new and expand your brain cell connectivity for a healthier brain as we age.

It doesn't matter if you have never painted, written anything other than letters and grocery lists, sewn anything, or only speak English, you can learn something new.

Even if you start to learn something new and you find it difficult, don't give up. Stick to it. Everything is hard in the beginning, but as you progress everything gets easier.

The difficult thing for me is choosing what to learn. I have so many things that I want to learn, I have trouble choosing just one to focus on. I hope this is your problem, too.

Here are a few ways art and creativity help our mind and our souls:

A Harvard Women's Health Watch article, dated July 2017, states that anyone can benefit from creating art to control anger, stress, mental decline, depression, and other mental issues. You can read their fascinating article here: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mental-health/the-healing-power-of-art

Art from the Streets posted an article, dated August 2017, that provides five ways art benefits mental health. The five benefits they highlight are: art relieves stress, encourages creative thinking, it boosts self esteem and a sense of accomplishment, it encourages brain activity, and it makes for a better quality of life in dementia patients. You can read their short but informative article here: https://artfromthestreets.org/blogs/news/five-great-mental-health-benefits-of-art

Medical News Today has an excellent article about how creative expression, whether it be painting, writing, dancing, playing music, or any creative activity, increases our immunity to diseases and illnesses. It has the potential to speed recovery and encourages healthy healing. The article can be found here, it's worth the read: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320947#Brain-boosting-effects

Now that we know the multitude of health benefits from creating, viewing, or participating in art, where do we begin?
Actually, you can begin right where you are at this very moment.

You can start by any of the following ways and in any other way you can think of:

Start a journal by writing your thoughts down.
Listen to various types of music, include music you rarely listen to or have never listened to. Expand your taste in music.
Start coloring in a coloring book. A child's coloring book or an adult coloring book, whatever you have available.
Put on music and dance...all by yourself.

Here is a brief list of links to sites, videos, podcasts, and vendors that offer a variety of courses or projects that can help you meet any goal you have for yourself. This is a short list, there are many, many more online if you just take time to search for them.

Check these out:

https://www.tipsyartist.com/tipsy-artist-kits The Tipsy Artist - My FAVORITE painting class. I have taken her courses many times and I love them. Anyone can do them and they are inexpensive.

https://thequiltshow.com/
The Quilt Show - A good place to take online classes to earn to quilt. Some are free, some are not. They have a lot of free things to do, like online quilt related jigsaw puzzles and quilt block matching games. You can browse the gallery and see award winning quilts. This site is full of stuff.

https://www.classcentral.com/course/winning-resumes -5477
Class Central - Offers a variety of free courses from resume writing to creative writing. If you want to learn to write better, check this site out for free courses. This link is to their free resume writing course, as an example.

http://audiria.com/index.ph p
Audiria - An excellent podcast and website to learn Spanish. I have used Learn Spanish Con Salsa podcast. This is a podcast only format and is also a good way to learn Spanish while walking. If you go to the APPSTORE (for iphones, ipads, macs, etc.) or to GOOGLE PLAY (Android devices), and search by name or subject matter, you will find these two podcasts and a lot of other ones for every language under the sun.

https://www.skillshare.com/browse/art
Skillshare – this site has tons of online classes that are free for 2 months. If after two months you want more, you can enroll in their Premium service for $15.00 per month, if you want to go month to month, or you can pay $99 per year (which is $8.25 per month). Go to their website at the link above and see what they offer.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/biohacking-your-brains-health?action=enroll
Biohacking Your Brain's Health – Coursera offers courses for free and also for a fee. You will need to enroll, but enrollment is free. Check out this course and also the other ones they offer.

These are a few of online resources for creative courses, classes, projects. Art kits, etc. Local stores such as Michael's and JoAnn's offer various craft and art kits that you can order online. Amazon is full of kits that you can order and do at home.

You can also check out art project books, craft books, sewing books, how-to art books, at your local library. These can be hard cover, paperback, or audio.

Regardless, if you're in a lockdown situation or life is back to normal, it is healthy for your mind and soul to do creative projects and create art.

Do you have a creative side? Do you spend time in doing creative projects? What benefits have you realized from the creative activities you participate in? Is your life better? Do you feel you are healthier?

XOXO

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Book Review: If He's So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad? - by Avery Neal

4/17/2020

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This is an excellent book that I recommend every woman read. Yes, every woman. The author clearly lays out the patterns of emotional abusers.

NOTE: This blog is written about a male abuser and a female victim. However, men could benefit from this book also. It could help a man identify himself as abuser, when he may not know he is. It can also help a man identify his abuser because the same tactics can be used by women to abuse men.)

Abuse comes in all forms not just physical. Sometimes emotional abuse is harder to overcome. Emotional abuse is harder to see than the physical bruises or scars. Often the one being abused doesn't even know they are being abused, they just know they are not happy and don't know why.

Emotional abuse can occur in all relationships:

Daughter/Mom or Dad;
Son/Mom or Dad;
Husband/Wife; Boyfriend/Girlfriend;
between two friends;
and any other relationship.

In this book Avery Neal directs it towards the Male/Female relationship (married or boyfriend/girlfriend).

An emotional abuser is someone who uses certain tactics, practices, concepts, etc., to gain control over another person emotionally.

They can be well liked by everyone , friends, co-workers, members of their church, neighbors, other family members, but with the one they live and sleep with is a different story. They can make that person feel horrible, but also bonded to them in such a way that the person will do anything to make them happy.

How does an abuser gain control over their victim?

A concept called Traumatic Bonding.
This is a when the abuser uses kindness and abusiveness intermingled. One minute he is kind and compassionate, the next he is verbally abusing you. You don't give up because he is, after all, a sweet person – sometimes. This is how he controls you and keeps you.

What are some other clues or results of Emotional Abuse?

Tip Toeing is a self-preservation technique that many women can identify with.

At one time you felt comfortable speaking up and saying what was on your mind. At some point, it changes and you realize if you say a certain thing, he will punish you somehow (verbally). You learn what to say, when to say it, how to say it and what not to say. In the end, you may shut down completely.

Another technique an abusive man may use to make you dependent on him is Gaslighting:

Gaslighting is a term taken from the 1944 movie “Gaslight” with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.

In the movie Charles Boyer (the husband) does things to cause Ingrid Bergman (the wife) doubt her sanity and rely more on him.

This is a form of psychological abuse. It is making subtle and increasing changes in a relationship to make you feel that you are going crazy. It weakens your self confidence. You become depressed.

The abuser's repentance:
He says he is sorry, but he doesn't change the behavior. He is only saying he is sorry to temporarily appease you. He will not change his behavior because in the end, it works for him in controlling you.

After a few times of apologies and then repeating the behavior, you will probably give up and accept that he will never change. At that moment, he has won the battle.

You may learn to deal with the abuser by "cozying" up to them. You agree with them when you really don't agree, you cave in to avoid conflict.

When your self esteem is low, after repeated psychological abuse, you begin to wonder if their statements are true. The crazier the abuser can make you feel, the more power he has over you.

Here is a list of “possible” reactions of the abuser to control you:

When you don't say, do, or react the way they want you to, they lash out at you (sometimes in the form of yelling or insulting).

The abuser gives you the silent treatment. They ignore you. For a period of time, you don't exist.

This is different that when they withdraw emotionally, which can seem like the same thing.

However, withdrawing emotionally means they can be really nice, treat you good, but withhold affection (either verbal or physical). You lose that emotional connection even though he is treating you “good” (on the surface). You keep thinking he will come around and eventually, he does...but at his own convenience when he thinks he has strengthened his control over you.

He may say things that “belittle” you. It may be something about your appearance, the way you talk, your religious beliefs, your political beliefs, anything that is personal to you, he can use to belittle you.
This tears away at your self confidence and BINGO! He has gained more power over you. This is especially true if you genuinely believe these “belittles” are true.

The abuser may play the victim. In this action, he will say or do something to hurt you and then make you feel bad for him.

For example, he says you are not what he really wanted but you are the best he can do, because he isn't handsome enough. He doesn't believe this, he is only saying it to draw you in to him through sympathy. This one works best with a sensitive woman.

The last tactic I want to highlight is the one where the abuser turns the table on you. In other words, he does something hurtful to you BECAUSE of something you did to him. In his view, you caused it and he was only taking up for himself, which isn't the truth.

As you can see, identifying an abuser from someone who is just rebelling can be tricky. If the person does all of the above (and maybe some things that are not mentioned, but are equally controlling), you can probably safely say they are an abuser.

However, if a person only does one of the above or maybe two, it could be they are just immature emotionally and don't know how to deal with certain issues.

If you determine the person is actually an abuser and you are in an abusive relationship, you have three choices:
1. Stay in the relationship the way it is and remain abused;
2) Seek professional help such as therapy;
3) Leave the relationship.

If you have the opportunity to read this book,
I recommend you read it.
No matter what the situation,
the knowledge can help you now and in the future.
If you know someone who can use this information,
refer this book to them.
I got my copy from the library on audio. It was free! Use your library.
If you can't find it at your library, you can purchase it here:
https://amzn.to/2UBJ3hU

Did you identify with any of the above behaviors? Have you come out of an emotionally controlling relationship? If so, how did you break the bond? Do you know someone who is or has been in an emotionally abusive relationship? Please share your thoughts and stories to help others.

XOXO

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