Over the last few months I have participated in group made up of around twenty-five people who are experiencing grief over the loss of a loved one. Some have lost loved ones recently, other longer. The group has been following and using the book by Bill Flatt, Ed. D. titled "Growing through Grief". This is one of the best, if not the best, books on grief that I have read yet.
The group met under the name of "A Time to Mourn" and was led by a minister. It has been and continues to be one of the best learning experiences I have had in the area of grieving. I hope this review helps you and if you want to get a copy of the "big" little book "Growing through Grief", I will put a link in this article where you can purchase it.
Flatt speaks from experience, from the loss of his mother and others, as well as study. He highlights the stages of grief and the importance of each stage. He notes that we may pass through a stage on to the next one or the next few, only to find ourselves back at that same stage later. In other words, we flow in and out of each stage, sometimes many times, before we can permanently move on.
While Flatt doesn't dismiss the stages of grief that were first brought to light in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book on Death and Dying, published in 1969, Flatt does group them differently. He believes they are not linear, but rather circular.
As I stated above, we circle back and revisit stages often more than once before really moving on.
Flatt's stages of grief are more groups of stages - Stages of Grief, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
In his book, he groups them into 3 parts that are related to each other instead of each stage individually.
Flatt pushes the point that talking it out is probably the most important thing we can do to help ourselves heal. The problem comes when we decide who we will talk it out with.
Sometimes, the ones closest to us, are not the right ones. Sometimes, people don't want to hear what you have to say for various reasons of their own. Sometimes, the right person or persons to talk it out with are not whom we think they are. There is not a one size fits all in this area.
For example, a friend may need a therapist, another may need a minister, another may need a brother or sister, you may need a friend.
Everyone's needs are different, but one thing is constant, almost everyone can benefit from talking it out with someone; however, there are always exceptions to everything.
There are a few who can heal better within themselves by themselves. They may call on God to listen or another religious entity they believe in, or they may call on no one.
Why would someone not want to be the one you talk it out with? Why don't your children, sister, brother, friend, or other person you are close to want to talk about your loss? Your grief? There are many, many reasons for this.
Often, but not always, it is because of two reasons (but there are numerous others) - (1) by talking about it with you, they are reminded of a loss of their own, or of their own mortality. They don't want to be reminded of a loss and they certainly don't want to be reminded they, too, will one day pass from this earth; (2) They don't know what to say, they think they have to say something profound, or they feel like they need to fix you and they don't know how.
Don't be hurt if someone is not available for your to talk it out with. Keep searching for the "right" person, you will find them.
Don't rule out anyone, it might be someone you wouldn't normally think of. Don't shut any doors, if someone is willing to talk or to listen to you, let them. Don't question why.
Sometimes, you may not think you need to talk it out with anyone, you may think you can go it alone. Some people can, as I mentioned earlier, but most people can't. This is a stage of grieving you must deal with.
Don't let the following keep you from opening up and talking to someone:
- I may lose control if I start talking out loud about this.
- What will this person think of me?
- They are not interested in my pain, I can't put this on them.
- (If you are a man) I am supposed to be able to handle this, I am a man.
- I can't be weak, I must be strong and bear this on my own.
- This is my cross to bear, no one needs to be bothered with it.
As you travel through Flatt's book, you will read about grief in 3 parts. The stages are grouped together like this:
- Stages of Grief Part 1: Shock, Lamentation, Withdrawal.
- Stages of Grief Part 2: Frustration, Panic, Depression.
- Stages of Grief Part 3: Detachment, Adaptation, Reinvestment, Growth.
This is such a wonderful book and I recommend it to anyone who is grieving a death. In the following weeks, I will be getting into some of the better parts of this book and will post a blog on it.
I do recommend getting your own copy to read, re-read, refer back to, and keep for the future. It is full of helpful insights and information.
You can purchase this "big" little book here:
www.amazon.com/dp/0892253053/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_T1Q7DbF1EH06Q
From Amazon it comes in Kindle format for $6.99 and in a paper version from $4.99 (used) to $6.99 (new).
https://www.ebay.com/itm/381464314641
From eBay it comes in paperback only for $12.66 (new).
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/growing-through-grief-bill-flatt/1001661983
From Barnes and Noble it comes in paperback new and used from $1.99 to $6.99.
Hope this helps, stay tuned for future blogs on this important topic. Let me know if you have a specific topic and I will try to cover that in the future.
XOXO
The group met under the name of "A Time to Mourn" and was led by a minister. It has been and continues to be one of the best learning experiences I have had in the area of grieving. I hope this review helps you and if you want to get a copy of the "big" little book "Growing through Grief", I will put a link in this article where you can purchase it.
Flatt speaks from experience, from the loss of his mother and others, as well as study. He highlights the stages of grief and the importance of each stage. He notes that we may pass through a stage on to the next one or the next few, only to find ourselves back at that same stage later. In other words, we flow in and out of each stage, sometimes many times, before we can permanently move on.
While Flatt doesn't dismiss the stages of grief that were first brought to light in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book on Death and Dying, published in 1969, Flatt does group them differently. He believes they are not linear, but rather circular.
As I stated above, we circle back and revisit stages often more than once before really moving on.
Flatt's stages of grief are more groups of stages - Stages of Grief, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
In his book, he groups them into 3 parts that are related to each other instead of each stage individually.
Flatt pushes the point that talking it out is probably the most important thing we can do to help ourselves heal. The problem comes when we decide who we will talk it out with.
Sometimes, the ones closest to us, are not the right ones. Sometimes, people don't want to hear what you have to say for various reasons of their own. Sometimes, the right person or persons to talk it out with are not whom we think they are. There is not a one size fits all in this area.
For example, a friend may need a therapist, another may need a minister, another may need a brother or sister, you may need a friend.
Everyone's needs are different, but one thing is constant, almost everyone can benefit from talking it out with someone; however, there are always exceptions to everything.
There are a few who can heal better within themselves by themselves. They may call on God to listen or another religious entity they believe in, or they may call on no one.
Why would someone not want to be the one you talk it out with? Why don't your children, sister, brother, friend, or other person you are close to want to talk about your loss? Your grief? There are many, many reasons for this.
Often, but not always, it is because of two reasons (but there are numerous others) - (1) by talking about it with you, they are reminded of a loss of their own, or of their own mortality. They don't want to be reminded of a loss and they certainly don't want to be reminded they, too, will one day pass from this earth; (2) They don't know what to say, they think they have to say something profound, or they feel like they need to fix you and they don't know how.
Don't be hurt if someone is not available for your to talk it out with. Keep searching for the "right" person, you will find them.
Don't rule out anyone, it might be someone you wouldn't normally think of. Don't shut any doors, if someone is willing to talk or to listen to you, let them. Don't question why.
Sometimes, you may not think you need to talk it out with anyone, you may think you can go it alone. Some people can, as I mentioned earlier, but most people can't. This is a stage of grieving you must deal with.
Don't let the following keep you from opening up and talking to someone:
- I may lose control if I start talking out loud about this.
- What will this person think of me?
- They are not interested in my pain, I can't put this on them.
- (If you are a man) I am supposed to be able to handle this, I am a man.
- I can't be weak, I must be strong and bear this on my own.
- This is my cross to bear, no one needs to be bothered with it.
As you travel through Flatt's book, you will read about grief in 3 parts. The stages are grouped together like this:
- Stages of Grief Part 1: Shock, Lamentation, Withdrawal.
- Stages of Grief Part 2: Frustration, Panic, Depression.
- Stages of Grief Part 3: Detachment, Adaptation, Reinvestment, Growth.
This is such a wonderful book and I recommend it to anyone who is grieving a death. In the following weeks, I will be getting into some of the better parts of this book and will post a blog on it.
I do recommend getting your own copy to read, re-read, refer back to, and keep for the future. It is full of helpful insights and information.
You can purchase this "big" little book here:
www.amazon.com/dp/0892253053/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_T1Q7DbF1EH06Q
From Amazon it comes in Kindle format for $6.99 and in a paper version from $4.99 (used) to $6.99 (new).
https://www.ebay.com/itm/381464314641
From eBay it comes in paperback only for $12.66 (new).
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/growing-through-grief-bill-flatt/1001661983
From Barnes and Noble it comes in paperback new and used from $1.99 to $6.99.
Hope this helps, stay tuned for future blogs on this important topic. Let me know if you have a specific topic and I will try to cover that in the future.
XOXO
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