It's hard to believe he's been gone 3 years. The pain is still present, but just not as consuming. Nothing is  "normal", but everything is different.

I have learned a lot over the last three years. A lot about others, about myself, life, death and God.

I have also learned a lot about time. Time is something that is different for everyone. We all have the same hours in a day, the minutes in an hour, and the same months in a year. However, depending on what we are experiencing at any specific time, time can seem faster, slower, to stand still, or to disappear.
We all understand that time can seem to move faster or slower, and maybe understand it standing still. But for time to disappear is a tough one to grasp.

Time disappeared for me, for a while. Time didn't exist for a while for me. I have found that it happens to more people than I realized once I started sharing this experience with others.

The hardest year of the last three was the second. Most people would think that the first year would be the hardest, but as hard as it was, it wasn't like the second year. 

The first year is the year of just surviving. The year of finding a reason to live. Adjustments and learning to count on myself. I was so busy getting a grip on the things he used to do that are now my responsibility. I was busy planning and putting together his memorial.

The second year was the year that reality set in. The reality that this is permanent. This is my life, no one is coming to save me. I have to save myself. This is the year, I walked away from some friends and found new ones. I barricaded myself in my house more during the second year. cared less about my health, and slept a lot.

This is not the case for every widow, this is the case for me. It is the case of some other widows though. Everyone handles it differently.I couldn't control how I felt, no one can. You feel what you feel when you feel it.

During that second year, I didn't exercise or eat right. I talked to people when they called and went out when they asked, but I felt alone and lost. I wanted so much to be able to talk to him one more time, hold his hand one more time, watch him sleeping in his recliner when his back hurt him. I didn't care anymore.

I experienced "mental; isolation". Mental isolation is where you go through the motions of life. You have lunch when asked, do needed household chores, keep appointments, etc., but mentally you are not there. You feel nothing. You go through the motions, but you are not present. you laugh when appropriate, smile when appropriate, etc. Once I was alone, I either slept or cried. I felt disconnected from people I have known for years and also, my family. I still took their calls and invites, but only to hide how I was feeling. I didn't want people to know how disconnected I was because they may try to help me. I didn't want or need their help. I needed to  work my way through this second year.

I did care for things though. I cared for my family (especially my granddaughter), my close friends,  and God.  Caring is not the same as feeling connected. I cared for them, but I felt alone, even when with them. Of the three, God was the true strength that carried me through. 

Hebrews 13:5-6 KJV
​states this truth:

"...for He hath said,
I will never leave thee nor forsake thee."

At the end of the second year,  I had a dream about my husband. I believe this was a dream from God.
I hadn't dreamed about him at all before this night. When I woke up from this dream, I felt different. From that night till now, things have steadily improved. Not all at once, but in bits and pieces. 

The next year, the third year. I grew stronger and stronger. I revisited all the old memories again, but differently. I still missed him, but I slowly started to feel like getting out more. Taking the dog for a walk more. Making future plans. It was slow and drawn out, but I was at least headed in the right direction. 

During the third year, I had a few set backs. There were a few days that I stayed in bed too long, said no to going out, or just withdrew and cried. But not as often and it didn't last as long. 

Around the time of the third anniversary date, I went to the beach - alone. I realized during that week that a whole year had gone by and I had done nothing - again. I didn't take any trips, do any art, nothing.

So, I made a promise to myself that during the next year, I would do something new every month. One thing.

In January, I took an art class in the mountains  and spent three days in South Carolina.

In February, I started a stained-glass class at the college.
In March, I hope to take a short day trip or a couple of days out of state somewhere. I need to keep the promise.

I am so happy to be out of the first year of shock and sadness. I am thankful to be out of the second year of despair and mental isolation. 

Life is moving forward. I still have sad times but they are fewer and farther between. I am starting to feel connected to people again. I have so many wonderful people in my life and I thank God for each and every one of them.

I thank God for not leaving me or forsaking me.

❤️

Have you experienced "mental isolation" before?
If yes, when? What was the even that caused you to experience "mental isolation"?
​

Tomorrow it will be a year since my beloved husband passed. It has been a rough road to walk, but I have survived, so far.


There are many lessons I have tested and learned during this time. I want to share these with all of you in hopes that it may provide help if anyone is going through or may go through something similar in the future. To be as prepared as much you can be, before something happens is always better, but it doesn't take away the pain, loneliness, and uncertainty.


Before my experience, I had researched and written about losing a loved one for this blog. You can find all past blogs on this topic under “Grieving Losses”. I think it helped me greatly to have done this research when I actually experienced it personally. I had also participated in a grief support group for about twelve weeks at my church, that opened my eyes to individual differences in the grief process. I look back and I think God was preparing me for this moment. The moment when tragedy would strike and I could pass on my experience to help others.


I have had other losses in my life. My parents, my niece, my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, close friends, and beloved pets. All of them hurt, all of them were hard to accept. I was at various ages when each death occurred. I was 13 or 14 when my first close family member, my grandmother, passed unexpectedly. It was devastating to my mother, it was hurtful and confusing to me. This was my first real loss, except for one childhood pet, a German Shepherd. The older I got, my acceptance matured, my understanding of death grew.


Losing someone that you have shared everything with, your emotions, spiritual beliefs, your personal thoughts, goals and your body; someone that you made decisions with, raised children with, built a life with is devastating.

This is not to undercut the loss of a child, because losing a child goes against nature. We are not supposed to outlive our children. The loss of a child is devastating. However, children grow up to live their own lives, parents are left childless again, empty nesters. To lose the person you depend upon for everyday existence is devastating. If you are married as the scripture says, "the two shall become one" then you know what I am saying when I say, the loss of my husband was like half of me died with him.


I don't know who am now without him. For over 35 years, I was someone's wife. Now I am searching for me again. I can't go back to who I was before I married him, I am not the same. So, I have to go forward. This is a very hard task.


Over the next months, I will sprinkle these lessons throughout my blog. As I am still discovering lessons and walking an unknown path (to me), this will be an ongoing journey and I do not know where it will end up. I will share some of my journal entries during this time. My journal is my safe place (besides my prayer) to express my thoughts and feelings. Keeping a journal helped me a lot.


For now I am looking to the year marker and planning what I will do that day. I have learned that those hard “first milestones” require planning. I experienced several soon after his death, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, my birthday, and Valentines Day. A couple of my friends stepped up and helped me through these “firsts”. I learned that if you can, do something. Either alone or with someone. Just don't sit and dwell on your loss on those “special first milestones”. Don't run from them, hit them head-on.


There is not deadline for grieving. It's different for everyone. There are those who say “you will feel better when you pass the year one marker”, well, we will see. I don't think we can (or should) say things like that, for some it's months and for some it's years. No one knows how long it will be for us until we are there, until we are actually in the grips of grief.


Stay tuned for more posts on this topic as I am still learning. I still have lots to share concerning this event and hopefully, help for those of you who have lost a loved one, will lose a loved one, or knows someone who has lost a loved one.


XOXO

There is a difference in being alone and being lonely. One is good, the other is sad. Being lonely means that you have no one, need someone, and feel in despair. Being alone, can be one of the best blessings about growing older - IF you use it wisely.

Time is something that has limits. We are only here on earth for a period of time and then we are gone. There is no way to avoid death - it will happen. Once you accept this fact your world will open up. It will open up if you don't dwell on the negative aspects and focus on the positive.

Once your children have left to make their own lives and we find ourselves living in an empty and quiet nest, we suddenly also find ourselves with the freedom to do whatever we want. 

No one is there making demands our time and all those dreams we once had when young can become reality.
Embrace this time in your life. Use it to your advantage. You can do so much with this new found freedom.
​

• Finish that pile of books you intended to read, but never had the time.
• Join a club and participate (Hiking, Games, Writing, Cooking, Church group, etc.)
• Finish all those UFOs (Unfinished Objects) like a quilt, redecorating the empty bedrooms (maybe turn one into your personal space), plant that garden (food or flowers), etc.

You can do anything you want! 
Including sleep late,
stay up late,
watch the movies you want to watch,
listen to the music you want to listen to.......
it's your life.......
once again!

XOXO