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Grieving Losses - Part 4 - The 3rd Year

3/4/2024

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It's hard to believe he's been gone 3 years. The pain is still present, but just not as consuming. Nothing is  "normal", but everything is different.

I have learned a lot over the last three years. A lot about others, about myself, life, death and God.

I have also learned a lot about time. Time is something that is different for everyone. We all have the same hours in a day, the minutes in an hour, and the same months in a year. However, depending on what we are experiencing at any specific time, time can seem faster, slower, to stand still, or to disappear.
We all understand that time can seem to move faster or slower, and maybe understand it standing still. But for time to disappear is a tough one to grasp.

Time disappeared for me, for a while. Time didn't exist for a while for me. I have found that it happens to more people than I realized once I started sharing this experience with others.

The hardest year of the last three was the second. Most people would think that the first year would be the hardest, but as hard as it was, it wasn't like the second year. 

The first year is the year of just surviving. The year of finding a reason to live. Adjustments and learning to count on myself. I was so busy getting a grip on the things he used to do that are now my responsibility. I was busy planning and putting together his memorial.

The second year was the year that reality set in. The reality that this is permanent. This is my life, no one is coming to save me. I have to save myself. This is the year, I walked away from some friends and found new ones. I barricaded myself in my house more during the second year. cared less about my health, and slept a lot.

This is not the case for every widow, this is the case for me. It is the case of some other widows though. Everyone handles it differently.I couldn't control how I felt, no one can. You feel what you feel when you feel it.

During that second year, I didn't exercise or eat right. I talked to people when they called and went out when they asked, but I felt alone and lost. I wanted so much to be able to talk to him one more time, hold his hand one more time, watch him sleeping in his recliner when his back hurt him. I didn't care anymore.

I experienced "mental; isolation". Mental isolation is where you go through the motions of life. You have lunch when asked, do needed household chores, keep appointments, etc., but mentally you are not there. You feel nothing. You go through the motions, but you are not present. you laugh when appropriate, smile when appropriate, etc. Once I was alone, I either slept or cried. I felt disconnected from people I have known for years and also, my family. I still took their calls and invites, but only to hide how I was feeling. I didn't want people to know how disconnected I was because they may try to help me. I didn't want or need their help. I needed to  work my way through this second year.

I did care for things though. I cared for my family (especially my granddaughter), my close friends,  and God.  Caring is not the same as feeling connected. I cared for them, but I felt alone, even when with them. Of the three, God was the true strength that carried me through. 

Hebrews 13:5-6 KJV
​states this truth:

"...for He hath said,
I will never leave thee nor forsake thee."


At the end of the second year,  I had a dream about my husband. I believe this was a dream from God.
I hadn't dreamed about him at all before this night. When I woke up from this dream, I felt different. From that night till now, things have steadily improved. Not all at once, but in bits and pieces. 

The next year, the third year. I grew stronger and stronger. I revisited all the old memories again, but differently. I still missed him, but I slowly started to feel like getting out more. Taking the dog for a walk more. Making future plans. It was slow and drawn out, but I was at least headed in the right direction. 

During the third year, I had a few set backs. There were a few days that I stayed in bed too long, said no to going out, or just withdrew and cried. But not as often and it didn't last as long. 

Around the time of the third anniversary date, I went to the beach - alone. I realized during that week that a whole year had gone by and I had done nothing - again. I didn't take any trips, do any art, nothing.

So, I made a promise to myself that during the next year, I would do something new every month. One thing.

In January, I took an art class in the mountains  and spent three days in South Carolina.

In February, I started a stained-glass class at the college.
In March, I hope to take a short day trip or a couple of days out of state somewhere. I need to keep the promise.

I am so happy to be out of the first year of shock and sadness. I am thankful to be out of the second year of despair and mental isolation. 

Life is moving forward. I still have sad times but they are fewer and farther between. I am starting to feel connected to people again. I have so many wonderful people in my life and I thank God for each and every one of them.

I thank God for not leaving me or forsaking me.

❤️

Have you experienced "mental isolation" before?
If yes, when? What was the even that caused you to experience "mental isolation"?
​


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Grieving Losses: Change Can be good - i hate change

5/26/2023

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Change can be good, but I hate change. Somewhere out there I am sure there is someone who hates change as much as I do, maybe more. I like structure, most of the time.

 However, there are times when I need a change, but not a permanent one. 

    For example, I love not having to put a lot of thought into when I should do everyday chores. I have a way to do things and I just do them. Like when to feed the dog, Sunday devoted to church services, Friday night fish dinner with friends, going to bed at a regular time and getting up at a regular time. There are so many little things that are no brainers. That’s structure.

    There are times when I need a vacation. Some place different to sleep, eat, and scenery. Sometimes, I need to just get in the car and take a drive, not really knowing where I am going. Just something to break up the regularity of my life. That’s change.

    After my husband passed, I needed structure more than ever, at least for the first few weeks. To keep things the way they were when he was still with me, was comforting.

    Then came the change. I found that if I changed the way I did things, the better I felt.  It was something new to think about.

Here are a few things I changed that made a big difference:

        -    I visited a different church where I still knew people and could draw         comfort for them, but a church where my husband didn’t lead prayers,                 make announcements, serve the communion, etc. Someplace where I                 could sit in a different seat and not feel like I was betraying him. I know                 that sounds strange, but these were strange times. Strange times call for                 strange changes. I gradually migrated back to my home church as I was                 able to emotionally.

        -    I bought one place setting of red dishes. He wasn’t big on colored                 plates, so I treated myself to brilliant red stoneware. Just one place                 setting, just for me.

        -    Little things, make a difference when you change them up, too. For         example, I changed the way we took the trash out. Yep, I changed the                 way I took the trash out. I made it easier for me. Instead of keeping the                 big trash container near the house and push the container out to the road the night before it’s picked up, I left it at the road and I took the trash in the trunk of my car when I left the house, stopped at the container and                 put it in then. Sounds like a “crazy” idea, but we live a ways off the road,                 so pulling a large full container all the way down the driveway to the road  is a chore.         

 While I hate change, I know I need it. Other changes are coming and the list above is by far not all the changes I have made so far. They are just examples of the variety of changes I have made.

    Some changes will help you create new memories. Until then all you will have are memories that most likely are centered around your loved one who has passed. Creating a new memory (or many new memories) helps you to build confidence in doing life solo, something new to “dwell” on (instead of the past), and will encourage you to do more things to build even more solo memories. In this way, change is good.

So, I have planned some more changes. Are you ready?  While I am not posting my blog every Friday now, I have not been sitting idle. I have been working on some new stuff, changes, good changes, I hope.

I can’t share them with you now, but it won’t be long if things keep looking up for me. So, hang in with me and see what is coming. I will post well before I actually put these changes in to practice so it doesn’t catch you off guard.
​
    Hopefully, you will like what I am doing. Hopefully, it will encourage you. 

How do you feel about change? Do you love it? Do you hate it? Do you need it or do you need consistency?

XOXO​

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Grieving Losses: Part 2 Your Circle - Inner and Outer – Your Supporters

10/11/2021

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From the day my husband passed to now, I have been blessed with all kinds of support from my family and friends. I know that I am blessed from what I have heard from others who do not have the amount of support I have or none at all. I joined an online group of people who are trying to survive the loss of a spouse and I see a lot of lonely people hurting. The majority seem to have little or no support.

As with all tragedies, you will learn who really cares about you and who doesn't. When you are grieving you need people, whether you realize it or not. I had a tendency to want to be alone and I needed time alone, but I needed people who cared about me to check in on me now and then. I had lost my best friend that I talked to about everything, I was lost. Who would I turn to for this?

While I needed people, I needed a lot of alone time as well to process my memories of his death and also our life together. There were about three people who sent me texts every single morning to see how I was. One of these three people sent a Bible verse along with their texts, one told me what their morning was like and what they intended to do the rest of the day, and one just wanted to know the answer to one question, every single morning, “are you okay?” or “how are you?” These texts kept me going.

During this past year, I had three people who helped me to not become a hermit. On Tuesdays, I had “Taco Tuesday” with one friend and her family, one friend invited me to Thanksgiving, lunch on Thursdays, and now and then for her family get togethers, another friend invited me to her house to sit in her gazebo and just talk.
Now to the ones that I found to be supportive only to the point where it served them. You will learn that not everyone cares about you even though they appear to.

One friend tried to control me. I only knew her because her husband and my husband were friends from childhood. She and I had only limited contact with each other for twenty plus years. She tried to tell me how to do certain things for my husband's memorial service, how to 'handle” my grown son, and how to communicate with the guy helping me with my farm. When I said something she didn't agree with, she started with hurtful words. One day she accused my sister of trying to control me. My sister had been there every day for me and still is. This “friend” did not know my sister. I decided I had to limited or completely cut my time with this person out of my life. This was about six months after my husband's passing. After about three months of no contact with this person, I realized how much she was holding me back from healing. She was actually contributing to my pain.

The second person was a woman I worked with for a few years. We immediately became friends and remained so for several years. However, it was after I spent a week at the beach with her a year after my husband's passing that I realized a few things. We never really spent time together except for an occasionally lunch or dinner, I was the one who always initiated the calls, and money is her motivation for living, she had finally landed a great job making lots of money and now she enjoyed flaunting it. I was happy for her because I knew how hard she worked to get where she was now. Before I accepted her offer to go to the beach with me, for support, I thought I knew her and I explained that I may not be my normal self that week. I told her up front that I would be crying, thinking, and spend a lot of time alone. She said she understood. In the end, she didn't understand. She was bossy. She questioned everything I said. She thought I should put her first since she was my guest. I brought her home at the end of the week.

All in all, you are going to have people who really care about you and those who don't. You must remember to put yourself first during this time. You must stand up for yourself even when you don't care about yourself. There will be times when you won't care if you go on another day. Just don't stay in those times more than a minute or two. Take care of you. I leaned on God. God is the one constant in life.

Before I close this blog, I must tell you about my sister. My sister has experienced loss in her life, a husband and a child. She is younger than me and while I was always the one my siblings leaned on because I was the oldest, she is the one I lean on now. She has been there every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. She listened when no one else would or could. She never judged me, she encouraged me. She never argued with me, she always supported me. She listened. If I called her at 3 am crying, before we closed the phone call, I would no longer be crying and I would be able to go back to sleep. Without her, I don't know how I would have done.

Everyone needs someone like my sister. Find that person. If you can't find one among your friends and family, seek one out professionally, perhaps a therapist or grief councilor, a preacher or elder. Just don't try to do this alone You need just one person to support you, but you need the right person.

There will be more blog posts coming on this topic. I have a lot to share. May God bless you always.

Have you ever experienced anything that took you to a deep dark hole and one person was there for you? Do you have one person in your life whom you can share anything with?

XOXO
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Grieving Losses: It will be a year tomorrow since my husband passed – What now?

9/15/2021

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Tomorrow it will be a year since my beloved husband passed. It has been a rough road to walk, but I have survived, so far.


There are many lessons I have tested and learned during this time. I want to share these with all of you in hopes that it may provide help if anyone is going through or may go through something similar in the future. To be as prepared as much you can be, before something happens is always better, but it doesn't take away the pain, loneliness, and uncertainty.


Before my experience, I had researched and written about losing a loved one for this blog. You can find all past blogs on this topic under “Grieving Losses”. I think it helped me greatly to have done this research when I actually experienced it personally. I had also participated in a grief support group for about twelve weeks at my church, that opened my eyes to individual differences in the grief process. I look back and I think God was preparing me for this moment. The moment when tragedy would strike and I could pass on my experience to help others.


I have had other losses in my life. My parents, my niece, my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, close friends, and beloved pets. All of them hurt, all of them were hard to accept. I was at various ages when each death occurred. I was 13 or 14 when my first close family member, my grandmother, passed unexpectedly. It was devastating to my mother, it was hurtful and confusing to me. This was my first real loss, except for one childhood pet, a German Shepherd. The older I got, my acceptance matured, my understanding of death grew.


Losing someone that you have shared everything with, your emotions, spiritual beliefs, your personal thoughts, goals and your body; someone that you made decisions with, raised children with, built a life with is devastating.

This is not to undercut the loss of a child, because losing a child goes against nature. We are not supposed to outlive our children. The loss of a child is devastating. However, children grow up to live their own lives, parents are left childless again, empty nesters. To lose the person you depend upon for everyday existence is devastating. If you are married as the scripture says, "the two shall become one" then you know what I am saying when I say, the loss of my husband was like half of me died with him.


I don't know who am now without him. For over 35 years, I was someone's wife. Now I am searching for me again. I can't go back to who I was before I married him, I am not the same. So, I have to go forward. This is a very hard task.


Over the next months, I will sprinkle these lessons throughout my blog. As I am still discovering lessons and walking an unknown path (to me), this will be an ongoing journey and I do not know where it will end up. I will share some of my journal entries during this time. My journal is my safe place (besides my prayer) to express my thoughts and feelings. Keeping a journal helped me a lot.


For now I am looking to the year marker and planning what I will do that day. I have learned that those hard “first milestones” require planning. I experienced several soon after his death, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, my birthday, and Valentines Day. A couple of my friends stepped up and helped me through these “firsts”. I learned that if you can, do something. Either alone or with someone. Just don't sit and dwell on your loss on those “special first milestones”. Don't run from them, hit them head-on.


There is not deadline for grieving. It's different for everyone. There are those who say “you will feel better when you pass the year one marker”, well, we will see. I don't think we can (or should) say things like that, for some it's months and for some it's years. No one knows how long it will be for us until we are there, until we are actually in the grips of grief.


Stay tuned for more posts on this topic as I am still learning. I still have lots to share concerning this event and hopefully, help for those of you who have lost a loved one, will lose a loved one, or knows someone who has lost a loved one.


XOXO

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SPECIAL: The Loss of a Spouse - Where I have been - I am back!

7/21/2021

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Some of you may have wondered where I have been for the last ten months.

I have been in a nightmare. When you have been with someone as long as I had been with my husband and then suddenly an average day turns into a final day for one of you, it's a nightmare.

Over the last months I have learned a lot about life and death.

Fortunately, through my studies of losing a loved one through death that I have written about in my blog over the years, I was better prepared than most people are.

However, when it actually happens, you will experience, as I did, feelings that are common to all who have lost a loved one.

The feeling of surrealism... did this really happen? The feeling of I want them back ... the realization that they are never coming back. The feeling of being lost with no future ... what do I do now? What is going to happen to me? And the most common feeling "How am I going to live without this person in my life?" .... I can't, I don't want to, this isn't fair.

I know of several people (mostly women) who lost their spouses anywhere from a couple of years ago to many years ago, who are stuck in one level of grief. They can't seem to get on with living.

The longer we spend in the early grief process, the harder it is to get on with living because we are comfortable and have become used to those feelings. The thought of going on with their lives while their loved ones are gone, seems like a betrayal of the spirit of their deceased spouse.

We need time to process the event of our loved ones death. We also need time to come to the reality of what our lives are now. But to stay in that time for several years is neither healthy nor is it what our loved ones would want for us.

Over the next few months, I am going to share with you some of the feelings I have felt, experiences I have had, and other aspects of losing a spouse.

But before I close this week's blog I want to leave you with something that helped me tremendously, once I was able to really grasp it's meaning and believe it:

If things were reversed and I was the one who died and my husband was the one left alone,
what would I want for him?
What would I tell him if I had just a minute more with him now?


I would tell him,
I love you still but... I want you to...

LIVE YOUR LIFE!

ENJOY THE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT!

LOOK FOR THE DAY WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN
AND YOU CAN SHARE ALL THOSE WONDERFUL STORIES WITH ME
OF WHAT YOU DID AFTER I LEFT YOU!

DO NOT WASTE YOUR LIFE - MAKE ME PROUD TO SAY YOU ARE MY HUSBAND!
​

AND ABOVE ALL, TRUST AND LOVE GOD!

That's what I would want for him, so I know he would want the same for me. That is what I am going to do. I am going to make him proud to say, "that's my wife, the one who is doing all those wonderful things and who loves God. I can't wait to see her again and hear all about it."

I would not want him sitting around doing nothing or crying all day and night.

I would not want him to waste the time he has left.

I would not him to give up. That is not what God would want either.


It is hard, but we can do it with the help of our creator and with the love we have for the one we have lost.

Stay tuned for more to come about my experience in a living nightmare... and of life on the other side of it.

I pray that my words help someone who is going through something similar.

XOXO
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UPDATE: i have not left you. I had a personal tragedy

10/24/2020

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If you noticed that I haven't posted any new blogs in the last six weeks, there is a reason. ​

I want to let you know what is happening in my life and ask for your prayers, thoughts, and well wishes.

Six weeks ago a trip to the cardiologist resulted in the death of my dear sweet husband. We have been together for a very long time. He was my best friend.

I will return in a few weeks, maybe sooner if possible to share my experiences with this type of death. I want to share what I have and will continue to learn.

Please stay with me and know that I appreciate everyone of you who have been faithful readers, commenters, and emailers.

Tragedy will happen to all of us, if we live long enough. We can survive, even if  your heart is broken in a million pieces, as mine is. My heart will mend but there will always be a scar left by this tragedy.

God bless you all
and
I thank you in advance
for your
prayers and thoughts.


​XOXO
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Life: Personal Struggles in the Last couple of Weeks - Yes, it happens to me, too.

9/4/2020

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If you read my blog on a regular basis you know that I stress keeping a positive attitude and taking positive steps to stay healthy physically and mentally.

While I write about issues like this for the benefit of my readers, I need it, as well. In other words, I truly do practice what I preach and I truly do go through the same things everyone else does. The difference is, I know better.... others may not. Where I know what to do and fail, others may not have a clue and be totally lost. That is why I write this blog, to help others figure this thing called "aging" out while also helping myself.


For a while now I have dealt with some personal issues involving members of my family. No, not Covid related issues, more of attitude issues, lock down breakdown issues, and issues that all families face at one time or another. The details may be different, but the issues are basically always alike.


It started out a few weeks ago with a simple concern over health issues during Covid. Keeping everyone safe, even my grown children. Concerns for their safety during the initial outbreak of this virus became all to common, even though there was nothing I could do except ask questions and offer suggestions. If you're a parent you know how well those two things go over with grown children. Not all that well.


Then there were other little things, but consistent things. Things like my washing machine malfunctioned and over flowed, my hot water tank went out, my big freezer full of beef was failing, my car quit on me one evening and I waited 3 and 1/2 hours for a tow truck in a dark parking lot ... and no matter what I did - I still gained weight (the Covid 15). Then there was the conflicts among my family members that were mostly petty, but were still issues.


During this time, the new owners came to take my horses to their new home. I miss them so much, but I never rode them anymore and my time with them was getting less and less. They deserve people who can give them what they need. Horses are social creatures.


I took a couple of weeks off to collect my thoughts, regroup, and charge ahead once again. During this time, I still tried to walk my 2-4 miles a day and learn something new every day. It helped, but I still felt overwhelmed.


This blog confession is to alert you to the fact that no matter how hard you try and how much effort you put into living a life “on fire”, sometimes you have to take a step back and start again. It happens to all of us.


The lesson here is this:
Do not let a temporary set back
become a permanent one.
Everything is temporary.
Keep pushing forward.
Never, ever give up.


So, I am back at it with some fresh ideas. It was good for me to take a few days to regroup and reset. If you need it, take it...but after a few days, always come back...never stay there.


🙂
​


❌⭕❌⭕
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Life:  New Found Independence - alone with a purpose

8/14/2020

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There is a difference in being alone and being lonely. One is good, the other is sad. Being lonely means that you have no one, need someone, and feel in despair. Being alone, can be one of the best blessings about growing older - IF you use it wisely.

Time is something that has limits. We are only here on earth for a period of time and then we are gone. There is no way to avoid death - it will happen. Once you accept this fact your world will open up. It will open up if you don't dwell on the negative aspects and focus on the positive.

Once your children have left to make their own lives and we find ourselves living in an empty and quiet nest, we suddenly also find ourselves with the freedom to do whatever we want. 

No one is there making demands our time and all those dreams we once had when young can become reality.
Embrace this time in your life. Use it to your advantage. You can do so much with this new found freedom.
​

  • Finish that pile of books you intended to read, but never had the time.
  • Join a club and participate (Hiking, Games, Writing, Cooking, Church group, etc.)
  • Finish all those UFOs (Unfinished Objects) like a quilt, redecorating the empty bedrooms (maybe turn one into your personal space), plant that garden (food or flowers), etc.

You can do anything you want! 
Including sleep late,
stay up late,
watch the movies you want to watch,
listen to the music you want to listen to.......
it's your life.......
once again!

XOXO


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Encouragement: BELIEVE in  the promise of this day!

8/7/2020

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All I want to do with today's blog is remind of you of something I had forgotten, 
Everyday has new promises!
Everyday has new opportunities!
Everyday is a gift from God.
Look forward to this day.


Believe in the promise of this   day!


In today's world it is easy to be sucked in by all the negativity. I have been feeling it myself in the last few weeks.

Everything you love to do and you always had a wide open access to do them, are on hold. Our world is in a state of adjustment.


Hang in there, we will make it. It's rough, but we will be fine. Encourage someone who may overwhelmed in negativity.

XOXO
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Health and Wellness: Fitness Instructors that Care - No excuses during COVID Social Distancing!

7/31/2020

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In most states, the gyms are still not open, but that doesn't stop everyone. If there's a will, there's a way.

At my YMCA, I attended a number of classes - mostly Zumba (and Cardio Dance). When the lock down was mandated, those classes stopped. Those classes were the one major thing I missed about the Y.

I could do exercises at home with YouTube videos and I could do my weights. I could also take long walks at several local parks and at a couple of malls (on rainy or extremely hot days) that opened up early for mall walkers.

When it came to Zumba, there are a lot of instructors online (mostly YouTube), but they were missing two important ingredients..... my favorite instructors and my classmates.

Very early on, my favorite teacher, Dawn DeWitt, and her daughter, Raven Puentes, offered Zumba via Zoom.
Zoom offered us the opportunity to follow her leadership and also to interact with each other - the teacher and my classmates. We could all see each other and it was "almost" like being there, sort of. Definitely better than not seeing anyone ever.

I love Dawn's teaching technique and she really cares about her students,
always offering encouragement right when you need it. It was motivating.

The point is this, there are teachers who care and those who are just in it for the money and the personal workout. If you look around you will find a caring teacher that will lead you even under the most undesirable circumstances.

If you have such a teacher, show your appreciation.
Let them know you appreciate the extra effort they put into reaching out to you.

If you are looking for online classes and you don't know where to start, here are some links that are available anywhere you have internet, no gym memberships required, all free:

ZUMBA

Zumba Dance Workout for Beginners Step by Step/ Best Dance for Weight Loss: https://youtu.be/sdoNOB6w1fY

WE LOVE DANCE - 80s Warm Up (Mix by DJ Baddmixx)
This instructor is gentle and I like her level of speed and steps: https://youtu.be/Xewf0Ecyrfs

Dura - Daddy Yankee / ZUMBA
with Claudio Lopez Utreras - Claudio is one of my favorite online teachers: https://youtu.be/DuVcNbSykv4

WORKOUTS

Standing Exercises for Older Adults - Using a chair, too: https://youtu.be/mQLzNf8VOIc

Standing Pilates for Seniors
- 30 minutes of exercise to Improve Strength & Build Confidence: https://youtu.be/i3PYS_jsA1c

Over 60 and self-quarantined? Do these 5 exercises DAILY -
taught by a physical therapist: https://youtu.be/yQ0G5x5hI28


There are videos for walking online,
but really all you need to do is just "walk".


Walk around your house inside or out. Walk your neighborhood, go to a walking park, go to any park, go to indoor malls that open early for mall walkers (I love this, because it's climate controlled and safe).

The important thing is just walk. Start with a goal that you can reach.

If that's 2000 steps, then get 2000 steps a day. My base goal is 6000 steps a day, my daily goal is 10,000 steps a day, and my ultimate goal is 15-20,000 steps a day.


I usually always make my basic goal of 6000.
At least 2-3 times a week I make my daily goal of 10,000 steps, and about 2-3 times a month I make my ultimate goal of 15-20,000 steps.

I have a goal to walk,
to move

EVERY SINGLE DAY
NO MATTER WHAT!
ALWAYS!



Don't use the COVID Lock down or Stay In Place mandate stop you from staying active. It's vital to your health, both physical and mental.

Please share how you are staying active and what you are doing for your health during this weird time in our life. What do you do to keep moving physically and mentally?

XOXO
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    My mission​

    Sharing thoughts and ideas for the woman over 50 that are helpful, fun, creative, inspiring and interesting. Over 50s who want to remain relevant, happy and loving their life.
    On fire for your own life!
    ❤ Sheryl ❤

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