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Life: Loneliness in Marriage and Aging

5/6/2016

4 Comments

 
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It has been said that loneliness can be felt even when you are surrounded by people. You can be surrounded by family, friends, loved ones and still feel alone.

"When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory."
  -  Friedrich Nietzsche, German Philosopher -


When you marry, you marry because you think the other person will add to your life. You think that the other person will provide companionship, acceptance, and love. Yet, there are many, many people who are married in name only. They didn't start out that way, but they ended up that way. How does this happen?

It happens because promises are broken, because people hide their true selves from one another while courting or early in the marriage, and because people change. But mostly it happens because one of them or maybe both of them start taking the other for granted. They don't put into the relationship the same energy they started it with. If couples treated each other with the same level of love, respect, and interest that they had when they first met and married, neither of them would ever feel loneliness again.

Even when one of the marriage partners has a memory disease, such as dementia, if the kindness and care is still there between them, the ill partner does better. If the other partner ignores or just does the duty of a spouse, the ill partner does not do so well. If the ill partner feels alone while also going through the dementia or other illness, it compounds their separation from reality. 

I have known two cases that demonstrate this quite well. One woman had full blown Alzheimer's, was loved by family, never left alone, never put in a nursing home and was cherished. She did well, lived longer than expected and was easier to manage. The other woman was ill with dementia and while her husband was alive, did okay. When her husband passed away and she was alone, their was no one to fill that gap. Her children were too busy with their own lives to give her the attention she needed and thus, she suffered more, was harder to manage, and eventually died alone while living in a nursing home. 

Married couples need to  take care of each other and that is more than just paying the electric bill or buying food. It's more than sleeping in the same house. There needs to be that extra level of concern that is expressed by asking questions and showing interest: Have you been to the doctor lately, honey? Let's go out tonight for fun, where would you like to go?  How did your day go?  Let's watch a movie together, I'll pop the corn. What movie would you like? 

It's also talking about significant things and expressing thoughts. Not just listening and then saying yes or no at the appropriate times. It's being an active participant in the conversation. Maybe it's politics, maybe it's the grown children or the grandchildren, maybe it's where do we want to go on vacation next year? Many couples go through days and days without saying a word to each other, except the casual - would you like some coffee? breakfast? 

Sometimes when asked a question, instead of responding with yes or no, they only give a sound, like "well," or "ugh". The communication is dying and no one is willing to give it CPR. This is death to a marriage and creates loneliness where love should live.

When you commit to someone and begin to build a home with them, you should continue to invest in that relationship at the same level that you did when dating. Slacking off is cruel and dangerous. There are many marriages that end in later years of life and after many, many years of marriage simply because communication between the partners has died. There is no stimulation, no interaction, no growth. One day you may be the one left alone clinging to either good memories of your spouse or regrets of time wasted.

"Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb.
It isn't something you get, it's something you do.
It's the way you love your partner every day."
- Barbara De Angelis


Just because we grow older doesn't mean we should forget those things we loved when we were younger. It doesn't mean that we just occupy space in the same house together but share nothing. You can be married and  still love each other a great deal and still be lonely. 
Sometimes that type of loneliness is the hardest to take.

Are you married and still have good communication with your spouse? Are you divorced and was a lack of communication the problem? Are you surrounded by family and friends and still feel a lone?

XOXO
4 Comments
Donna
5/9/2016 11:20:27 am

Great article Sheyle.
I do think that sometimes couples stop talking because the same stories are told over and over; or maybe the talk is always negative and one partner is tired of hearing it. Sometimes one is an introvert and the other partner has learned how to compensate. Often conversation is not necessary-just holding hands or being in ones comfortable presence to enough.
The worst scenario when getting married is the person who marries for what the partner can do for them. That leads to great disappointment. No one can make another happy-that comes from within. No spouse was created to be the sole server of the other spouse-they are to be an equal partnership. Of course partnering involves compromise.
That's all for now. I would like to read others comments.

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Sheryl
5/9/2016 04:35:57 pm

Thank you for your insightful comment, Donna. I agree that communication between a married couple can break down for a number of reasons. That's why is so important to try harder to communicate and in a positive, loving way. Most of the time the person we are married to is also the person we are the most emotionally intimate with. While no one person can make us happy, life with a happy and communicating spouse can sure add to our own level of happiness. (lol) I so appreciate your comments

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Donna
5/21/2016 08:33:23 am

A great article on marriage and headship. I did not know the different camps of thought had a name.
http://www.jorymicah.com/the-great-unnecessary-christian-gender-debate-by-carly-kraemer/

"While it is good and necessary to define boundaries and roles (based on gifts, not gender). (from the above article) Roger and I have encountered this often-from so called experts- because I am gifted in financial management and he lets me do it. Supposedly, I am not allowing him to be a man, to be the head, because he is not doing it. I believe we all have gifts for a purpose.

Reply
Sheryl
5/22/2016 09:48:18 pm

Experts have opinions and sometimes they agree with each other most of time you have a different opinion from each expert. To say that because you manage the finances and by doing so you are not allowing your husband to be "a man", is like saying if he does the cooking (because he is good at it and likes to cook) he is not allowing you to be a woman. Husbands and wives are a team and as with all teams each member has their expertise (gifts). God named the man as head of the home in cases where the two can not agree and someone has to make a decision. He is also supposed to be the spiritual leader of the family. Sometimes as we get older, these roles will change due to illness or injury. If you and your husband agree that you are better at managing finances, then that is called teamwork and not called usurping the authority of your husband. Of course, as with all things I write, this is only my opinion and belief. You may or may not agree with me. Thanks again for your comment. I love reading what others think and knowing that my post had an impact on someone.

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